


Walking Blind

by ft_shipper



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Briefly mentioned: attempted sexual assault, Eventual Healthy Coping Mechanisms, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:21:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 29,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24002758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ft_shipper/pseuds/ft_shipper
Summary: Dear Miss Reyna Kenobi,Thank you for contacting the Department of Soulmates. This communication is in response to your request for soulmate results.As per Law 24601, this letter confirms your preliminary results. Another letter with the official results should arrive to you by the end of this month. Please remember, these results are 99.9% accurate.It is not government mandated to be with your soulmate. Please consult our website for the Non-Soulmate Bill of Rights, should this apply to you.---Preliminary ResultsSoulmate Match:Benjamin Solo, Age 30Address: 234 Canto Bight Lane Coruscant, ChandrilaEmail: benjamin.solo@cmail.comOR@Reylo_Prompts: "Rey patiently waits with her boyfriend to read the letters that will confirm their soulmate status. She reads her letter and is shocked to see not the name of her boyfriend, but the name of Ben Solo, her ruthless and awful boss."
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Poe Dameron/Amilyn Holdo, Poe Dameron/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 394
Kudos: 837
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HerSistersKeeper](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerSistersKeeper/gifts), [hi_raeth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hi_raeth/gifts).



> Here it is. The first ft_shipper multi-chapter. *wipes sweat*. 
> 
> This fan fic is an expanded version of a tweet fic that I wrote last year. This plot is near and dear to my heart and I've been wanting to flesh it out. There will be changes, so if you've read the original, you'll notice some differences. 
> 
> Happy May the 4th :)

_"The_ **_calling_ ** _is the pull one feels towards their soulmate around the age of twenty-six. It’s described as an undeniable urge. Pairs of mates have said the experience feels like twenty-four seven tunnel vision - all one can think about is their mate._

_If a mate waits to answer the calling, they may experience fatigue, nausea, fever, and in more extreme cases, sudden death. Symptoms eventually subside, but can last up to six months. The calling happens to the majority of the population, regardless if their soulmate is dead or alive._

_We still do not know how or why the calling happens. Scientists are still trying to figure out this unexplainable phenomena."_

_-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)_

Today was her twenty-sixth birthday - the day she would finally find out who her soulmate is. It was a day everyone in society looked forward to because having a soulmate meant you were complete.

Having a soulmate meant you were _whole_. 

The existence of soulmates had been recorded since the dawn of time. At first no one could explain why pairs of humans were inextricably drawn to each other, but as time and science advanced, certain facts came to light. The first, was that the average age someone would feel “the calling” was around age twenty-six. The second was that it was built into human DNA. 

Over a hundred years ago, _Jedi Scientifics_ , a renowned research organization, discovered that soulmates’ DNA was an exact match. Since this discovery, it became standardized that one's DNA be recorded by the government. 

When one turned twenty-six, they had to go through a request process via the Department of Soulmates. In order to access the name of your soulmate, you had to submit a signed and fingerprinted affidavit. Soulmate-Choice activists caused a stir about this twenty-years ago, so it became law that one had to formally request to find out who their mate was. If they were of age, soulmates were allowed to contact each other. If they weren’t of age, legally they would have to wait until their mate’s 18th birthday to initiate contact. If that was the case, all medical fees caused by symptoms of the calling were covered by the government. 

She hoped that she would have a soulmate. She _needed_ to have one.

Statistics were in her favor. 90% of the population had a soulmate. The other 10% either discovered they were deceased or didn’t have one at all. There were emergency psychological services in place for those who were unfortunate enough to not have a soulmate. 

She didn’t want to be one of those people, her life had been a tragedy enough.

She was born Rachel Niima to teenage drug addicts. She never found out if they were soulmates because they split before she turned five. As a result, she spent most of her childhood in and out of foster homes. Some decent, most terrible. 

Eventually she ended up with Unkar Plutt in her late teens, a used car salesman who took in foster children for profit. He psychologically marred her: conditioning her to be dependent on him for food, overworking her, telling her she would amount to nothing. She didn’t gather the strength to leave until she was twenty-two.

The last straw came when he tried to _proposition_ her on her birthday. She thought it was the liquor talking at the time but she was wrong. He ended up attacking her and pinning her on the kitchen floor. He hadn’t expected her to have strength, but she overpowered him and knocked him out with a nearby broomstick. That night she escaped with the help of her best friend, Finn.

She found a place in Chandrila and immediately put in the paperwork to change her name. A few months later she was legally Reyna Kenobi.

She considered her twenty-second birthday a rebirth of some sorts. When she was in Plutt’s care she shut down, becoming a shell of herself. After his attempted assault, she knew she needed to start over and create a new beginning for herself. She enrolled in community college and got a Bachelor's in Business Administration in an accelerated program. Soon after she was hired by Resistance Solutions, a renowned public relations firm. 

She also met Poe Dameron. He was a restaurateur who owned _Phasma’s_ , where Finn was the executive chef. She sat down at the bar one evening and he smoothly offered her a drink. It was very forward and she remembered wanting to wipe the arrogant smirk off his face - handsome face be damned. She nearly tossed the drink in his face when Finn came to the rescue and assured her he wasn’t a creep. 

It turned out he really wasn't a creep. _Not at all._ He was kind, funny, and generous and she eventually fell in love with him. It wasn’t easy. 

_Correction - she didn’t make it easy._

She had a lot of psychological scars. Her biggest being abandonment.

There were few people that she let into her life. In fact, she’d argue that before Poe, she only had Finn. Plutt had stolen years of her life by isolating her and she was still trying to actively undo that destructive behavior.

Her inner saboteur caused a few explosive fights during their year long courtship. There was a part of her that was convinced that he would leave her eventually, so she would act out the closer he got to her heart. She’d tell him self-destructive things like, “You’re going to leave eventually.” and “Let’s quit while we’re ahead.” 

Any other person would have left on principle because all of her actions pointed to her being emotionally unavailable, but Poe didn’t give up. Quite the opposite.

He was persistent, patient, and understanding. He broke her out of her shell and showed her what was possible and she reveled in it: dancing until midnight, lazy mornings wrapped up in one another, haphazard baking experiments, quiet strolls on the beach, and so much more. 

He didn’t give up on her - he tore down her walls and became her home. _Her soulmate._

Soon it would be official. 

Poe had turned twenty-six a few weeks ago, but he wanted her to put the request in. He knew how much it meant to her, so he insisted on waiting for her birthday. They also made a promise to each other that regardless of the results, they would stay together.

They had discussed this at length - soulmates were chosen and they chose each other. She was positive that his name would show up on her paperwork, but she was still nervous. There was always the possibility.

Before she could dwell on that bleak possibility, the sound of her phone went off signaling a text message. 

**Devil Boss Man:** _Please be sure to have all of the files for the Order 66 rollout collated before I see you in an hour. I don't want to incessantly flip pages in front of our clients. They are finicky as you know._

Rey rolled her eyes. She loved her job but the worst part of it was Ben Solo, her supervisor. She wouldn’t say she hated him, but she found him absolutely infuriating. Sure, he was very good at his job but he was surly, anal retentive, and a perfectionist to a tee. He also tended to take out his snippiness at her when he was stressed. 

_‘And yet you like him.’_ a treacherous part of her whispered. 

She winced at her inner voice. Truth be told there was always an unexplainable energy between her and Ben. It had grown in intensity the last couple of days and she had no idea why. Her urge to soothe and support him had increased ten fold, despite his attitude. 

If she was being impartial, his statement about Order 66 wasn’t an exaggeration. If anything, Ben was putting it lightly. They were what he called a prima donna client. They expected to have their hand held every step of the way and expected perfection. 

Her phone pinged again, snapping her out of her thoughts. 

**Devil Boss Man:** _Please wear appropriate attire for this meeting. So NOT your ratty pencil skirt._

She scoffed at his response because she could hear him saying this out loud. She could _see_ him saying this to her - hand on one hip with a scowl across his stupidly handsome face. 

She let out a deep breath - that’s what Poe always encouraged her to do when Ben was in one of his moods. 

**Rey:** _Yes, boss._

Nothing would ruin her day. She sat down on the couch and clutched the precious letter that had arrived the other day. 

With a smile on her face she tore into the envelope and began to read in earnest. 

_Dear Miss Reyna Kenobi,_

_Thank you for contacting the Department of Soulmates. This communication is in response to your request for soulmate results._

_As per Law 24601, this letter confirms your preliminary results. Another letter with the official results should arrive to you by the end of this month. Please remember, these results are 99.9% accurate._

_In the event that you choose not to meet your mate and/or if they’re deceased, please keep in mind that psychological services exist to protect you. Symptoms of an unignored calling are typically mild but can be severe. I’ve attached an FAQ for your reference._

_Remember, it is not government mandated to be with your soulmate. Please consult our website for the Non-Soulmate Bill of Rights, should this apply to you._

_Best,_

_Armitage Hux_

_Department of Soulmates_

[ _ahux@dos.gov_ ](mailto:ahux@dos.gov)

[ _www.dos.gov_ ](http://www.dos.gov)

_\---_

_Preliminary Results_

**_Soulmate Match:_ **

_Benjamin Solo, Age 30_

_Address: 234 Canto Bight Lane Coruscant, Chandrila_

_Email:_ [ _benjamin.solo@cmail.com_ ](mailto:benjamin.solo@cmail.com)

* * *

She let out a gasp she didn’t know she had been holding in. 

The piece of paper felt like flames in her hands. _She had to get rid of it._

Not thinking clearly, she placed the letter on the table in front of her in a rush, knocking over her mug of coffee. She barely registered the sound of the ceramic breaking because of the fogginess that penetrated her brain and the bile rising in her throat. 

She felt her heart increase rapidly. 

_This had to be a nightmare._

She pinched herself, in an irrational attempt to wake herself up.

Ben couldn’t be her soulmate. It was _impossible_. 

The voice inside her tried to soothe her. Assuring her that Poe was still hers, but another voice was louder.

_‘You’re going to be all alone.”_

Her phone went off as a choked sob escaped her mouth. 

**Poe:** _Happy Birthday, babe. Can’t wait to read the results with you today._

Her heart skipped a beat as she read the message. He loved her. He would understand, the logical part of her brain urged. She tried her best to breathe but the part of her that was still a lost girl kept crying out. 

At the end of the day she had the heart of a survivor. A survivor who had nearly been broken by the cruelty of the world. She had to ensure that Poe would stay with her. She would do anything to try to keep him. 

**Rey:** _I didn’t receive the results. I called the Department of Soulmates and should get them at the end of the month._

She breathed a sigh of relief once the message was sent. She just needed more time.

Yes, time.

_Time would make this right._

**Poe:** _That’s a bummer. I know how excited you were for them. Either way, we’re celebrating tonight!_

As she read the message, her body reacted viscerally. She couldn’t hold down the bile anymore. Next thing she knew, her vomit was all over her table. She wiped her mouth as tears streamed down her face. 

_She just needed more time._


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mother's day to all the mothers in the fandom. Here's the next chapter, a day early :)

_"Large age differences between soulmates are rare, with the average age difference being four years. However, it’s been recorded that some mates have been up to twenty-five years apart in age. In those rare occasions, older mates often assume that they are soulmateless or that their soulmate is deceased."_

_-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)_

At the age of thirty, Benjamin C. Solo was seemingly the portrait of well to do. Hypothetically, the type of man you wanted to bring home to your mother. He was Chief Executive Officer of his own company, a former Rhodes Scholar, and handsome (at least, that’s what others told him, though he would vehemently disagree). He was also “well bred”. He was the grandson of former Senator Padme Amidala and lauded war hero, Anakin Skywalker and son of Senator Leia Organa and the famous drag racer, Han Solo. 

However, he was also a slew of other things according to his parents: damaged, broken, angry, and irredeemable. A walking, talking, reminder of their disappointment and failures - despite what his grandmother insisted. 

The weight of expectations is what broke his relationship with his parents. His mother wanted him to go into politics, to follow in her and his Nana’s footsteps, but it wasn’t him. He liked to be behind the scenes doing crisis communications. He was a strategist at heart, not a politician. Though no matter how much he told her this, she didn’t listen. 

And Han? His father that he expected to be on his side, that he _needed_ to be on his side...wasn’t _._ He just went along with what his mother had to say and passively stayed on the sidelines. For awhile he played the obedient son and did what his mother requested because he didn’t want to lose them. He wanted them to be proud of him and accept him, but it took its toll. Year after year, parts of him started to chip away and his resentment manifested in unhealthy ways: excessive drinking, recreational drugs, a slew of romantic scandals that embarrassed his family, and of course his temper. He couldn’t go two weeks without an explosive fight with his mother. 

It all came to a head when he decided to not run for city council after college. Leia didn’t speak to him for a year and his father, like usual, followed suit. One year turned into two years and by three years of not speaking to them, he had morphed into something else. 

He became a ruthless private sector drone, climbing the corporate ladder at First Order Strategies under the tutelage of his mother’s enemy, former Senator Andrew Snoke. At his peak at the company, he was Chief Operating Officer at the age of twenty-five. 

When he turned twenty-six it all went to hell. 

He had looked forward to turning twenty-six like most people did. Who wouldn’t want to feel belonging with someone? All his life he had played a role for someone else. He thought he had escaped that by turning away from his family, but instead he became someone else's puppet.

_He would never find out what belonging felt like._

He received his soulmate results and immediately went to answer the calling - only to discover that she didn’t exist. When he went to look for her, it was as if she disappeared without a trace.

He nearly went mad from his unanswered calling. He was constantly sick and became so unfocused at work that Snoke mandated him to go to therapy - something his boss didn’t even believe in.

_It didn’t help him either._

He turned to drinking and drugs again, and after a major client of First Order Strategies was dropped on his watch, Snoke took action. Surprisingly, he granted him the mercy of asking him to resign, as opposed to an outright firing. 

It took him a year to get on track again. Luckily, he didn’t do it alone. He had the help of his best friend, Poe Dameron. He was the only one that hadn’t abandoned him after all these years. All of his other friends, from childhood to his college days, dropped him depending on where his social status was. When it was good, they seemed to flock to him. When it was bad they suddenly stopped answering his calls. 

But not, Poe. _Never Poe._

He stood by him and kept him accountable - making sure he went to therapy and AA on a consistent basis. Without him, he wasn’t sure if he would have made it post-calling. 

The symptoms nearly drove him to the edge, but as Poe and eventually his grandparents reminded him of, he was strong. 

That year gave him clarity. In many ways, he rediscovered who he was. All his life, he always felt like he pretended to be someone else. Someone who would please his parents. Someone who would please Snoke. This was the first time he had started being him. 

He also rekindled his relationship with his grandparents. They let him know that they were on his side and that it was his choice if he wanted to speak to his parents again. He didn’t feel ready, so his grandparents helped him heal by giving him seed money to start his own public relations firm.

He refused the money at first, but his grandparents were able to wear him down by having the stipulation that he had to pay them back. That’s how Resistance Solutions was born and much to his surprise, it thrived. 

As it turned out, many of his former clients from First Order Strategies wanted to jump ship and missed his leadership. Apparently Snoke’s replacement, Lance Pryde, was divisive, abrasive, and his communications campaigns were borderline offensive. Within a year he retained some of his former clients, expanded his portfolio, paid his grandparents back, and hired a team of fifty people.

Resistance Solutions became his focus and he finally felt successful in his own right, but he still struggled personally. 

He still wasn’t what you would call a patient man. More often than not, he jumped the gun and assumed the worst in people. Though, it was something he was actively working on with his therapist, Dr. Cassian Andor. He had improved in recent years, as Cassian equipped him with exercises to help assuage the root of his reactions. _Anxiety_. 

One exercise that he was taught was to close his eyes and pause for five minutes before reacting. However, this was one of those days where he _didn’t_ pause - he went straight into reactionary mode. 

His Project Coordinator, Reyna Kenobi was an hour late and the Order 66 representatives would be there in thirty minutes, leaving no time for them to prepare. He kept glancing at the clock and aimlessly pacing around his office like a chicken with its head cut off. 

If everything was not in tip-top shape they would lose this client. He was sure of it. In fact, they pretty much threatened him with a dropped contract during their last conference call. 

He let out a long sigh and continued to pace up and down his office. He didn’t know what he was going to do when Reyna arrived. He was a ball of nerves, on edge, ready to scream...but he was also worried. She was always early and had everything prepared exactly how he wanted. It was an otherworldly ability and she was the only Project Coordinator he trusted to directly work with. 

He’d call their relationship cordial, but he was reasonably sure Reyna just tolerated him. Most of their colleagues kept a healthy distance. It wasn’t that he was mean per se...he was just more of an acquired taste. 

His natural state was surly and he preferred to give blunt, direct feedback. Like many things with his attitude, he was working on it, because as Cassian constantly reminded him, “ _You catch more flies with honey.”_ He was reminded of this frequently but it was difficult in practice because he couldn’t keep a poker face to save his life. He also severely disliked praise for the sake of praising. It felt empty. _Hollow._

But Reyna - _Reyna was perfect._ Not only was she exceptional at her job, but she was extremely patient with him. Despite his occasional outbursts, she always knew what to do to calm him down. 

He did want to openly tell her this, but he couldn’t treat her any differently than the others. It would be too unprofessional and he didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. Instead he defaulted his feedback to Reyna with curt thank yous, but never expanding on any details.

‘ _You also want to openly do lots of other things.’_ The voice in his head mocked.

His jaw clenched. That part of his brain had been active since Reyna started working for him two years ago. It was what he called his primal brain and it was relentless when it came to her. Luckily, he was able to control the instinct most of the time by trying to act as cold as possible. 

If he didn’t go to the extreme, he was afraid that it would appear like he favored her. 

“Ben, oh my god. I’m so sorry.” A familiar British lilt called out. 

Ben stopped in his tracks, instantly feeling a wave of relief. He couldn’t explain it, but whenever Reyna was around he reigned himself in. Well, as much as he could reign it in with his personally type and quirks. 

He took in a deep breath and turned around, ready to go to into work overdrive, but he had to take a pause.

_Something was wrong._

Reyna didn’t look like herself. She looked disheveled and sickly. Sure, her outfit was put together, a simple and well-fitted black suit, but her face was pale despite having makeup on that was heavier than usual. She also had dark circles under her eyes, indicating that she hadn’t slept that well. Her chestnut hair, normally voluminous and perky, looked limp and lifeless. 

It was then that he heard that voice inside of him again, but instead of being condescending, it screamed in agony. 

_‘Soothe, must soothe! Mate is feeling terrible, comfort her.’_

_‘Mate?’_

Now, he knew he needed to slow down. Those inappropriate thoughts are why he chose to go to the extreme with Rey. He needed to be cold. 

He closed his eyes and inhaled and exhaled, trying to slow down his thoughts and instincts flowing through him. He had no idea where that thought came from, all he knew was that it was being relentless. 

With one last exhale he opened his eyes and immediately they met Rey’s.

He could see the exact moment she started to stumble. 

“I don’t feel so good.” She let out, trying to steady herself on the wall. 

_‘Hold mates hand! It’ll make her feel better. TAKE CARE OF HER!’_ The voice roared.

Against his better judgement, he rushed to her. He saw the frightened look in her eyes as he approached, but the worry in her brow ceased once he placed his hands on her waist to steady her balance. 

_‘Good, good. Mate will feel better.’_ His primal brain crooned.

Ben observed that she was looking down, like she couldn’t bear to meet his eyes again. Despite that, she moved to put her hands on top of his, her thumb absentmindedly running over the top of his wrists. 

_‘Hold mate closer - she needs it!’_

He chewed on his lip, trying his best to clamp down the urge to embrace her. 

“Ben, please...I need…” She stuttered out.

He felt a wave of worry pass through him. Removing one hand from her waist, he cradled her chin, begging her to look at him.

“What is it, sweetheart?” He asked.

But Reyna didn’t answer, she started to shake like a leaf. Seeing her so vulnerable and weak did something to his insides. 

_‘Please your mate, you must please her.’_

He didn’t want to give in, but everything in him was crying out - he swore, even his blood was begging him to do something. 

_It was calling to her._

Letting instinct take over he hunched over, allowing his forehead to meet hers. When his forehead touched her an air of calm washed over her form. Her breathing became even and the tension from her body dissipated. It’s like his close presence created a soothing balm. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he felt like he could stay there forever. 

With each inhale and exhale, he felt like he was floating away to a distant cloud. He had calmed her with his presence, but hers was soothing as well. It was like…

_It was like they were one._

He was about to pull her closer when he heard a loud cough echo across the room. The spell was broken and it was like they caught fire. They immediately backed away from each other, so as to avoid getting burned. 

“Ma'am? Sir? I apologize for interrupting, but the Order 66 executives have arrived.” Mitaka announced. 

“We’re fine, Mitaka. Please let them know we’ll be there in five minutes. Can you give them some refreshments?”

“Yes, sir.” He said quickly, not wanting to meet he or Rey in the eyes. 

He paused, waiting for his office door to close. His head was now a little more clear and he’d be lying if he didn’t admit that he was more than a little mortified.

“Are you okay, Reyna?” 

She turned to him and nodded. “I’m okay, sir. Should I grab our folders and materials?” The air of professional latent in her voice.

He felt his shoulders sag at her response, but he knew why she did it. They’d deal with what had happened later. Right now, they had a job to do. 

“Yes, Reyna.”

She walked out of his office, without a glance back at him. 

* * *

The presentation went off without a hitch. Although they had no time to prep, it’s like they were completely in sync. Ben led the overview, while Reyna sweetened the presentation by meticulously going through statistics and return on investment numbers. By the end of it, the Order 66 executives had very few questions as they signed off on their campaign proposal. 

As they said their goodbyes to the executives, Ben noticed something very odd, while he watched Reyna say her final send off words. 

She looked completely different from this morning, like a rush of vitality swept over her appearance. The color had returned to her cheeks, the dark circles had disappeared under her eyes, and her hair looked like it was full of life. 

“Good job, boss man.” She said once the executives were out of ear shot.

He blinked a few times to make sure he wasn’t imagining it, but her appearance remained the same. She looked pristine. Impeccable even. 

“Are you okay, Ben?”

“I think I should be the one asking you that.” 

A flush filled her cheeks and she looked down on her feet. 

“Yes, I’m alright. I don’t know what came over me. Today is my birthday...must be calling symptoms.” 

He wanted to punch himself in the face. It was company policy to have birthdays off and he had completely overlooked this. Sure, he was cold, but he strived to be fair to all of his employees.

“Reyna, I’m so sorry. Please, take the rest of the day off. It completely slipped my mind, I should have been more -”

She interrupted him before he could say more. “Please, Ben. I could have told you, but I know how important this presentation was. I wouldn’t miss it.” 

He nodded at her, jaw slack. He wanted to say something to clear the air, but nothing came out.

 _‘Mate looks healthy, you should embrace her again.’_ His hind brain interrupted.

He frowned as the thought passed through him. He needed to concentrate and be in the moment. Most importantly, he had to make things right.

“About earlier, Reyna...I…”

“Yeah, it didn’t happen. Right.” She interjected. 

He felt deflated from her response but he took it. She was right. It was a lapse in judgement, something spurred by her symptoms. 

_He’d be foolish to think that she actually wanted to be in his arms._

“Happy birthday, Reyna.”

The corner of her lips perked up, forming a soft smile. “Thanks, boss man. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He gave her a curt nod as she exited and once again he was left alone with his thoughts. 

_Like she would ever want you._


	3. 3

_“Some believe that one can choose their soulmate. Although technically true, genetically speaking, you can only have one soulmate. If you choose to not be with your soulmate, recurrences of calling symptoms, referred to as_ ** _calling redux_** _will happen. Calling redux is known to regulate itself, with symptoms typically happening once a year for about 1-2 weeks._

_ Although calling redux is very similar to the calling, it is not exactly the same. Calling redux tends to manifest with more emotional symptoms. Feelings of lack of self-worth, shame, and suicide ideation are often reported.” _

_ -Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt) _

Rey couldn’t believe what she allowed to happen. She let her guard down and submitted to that part of her that innately felt magnetized to Ben. She could still feel the imprints of his hands as they clasped her waist, the soft cadence of his breath as they both inhaled and exhaled together. The feeling of comfort as he leaned his forehead on hers. The little gasp of surprise from his pretty pink lips, when Mitaka interrupted them. 

He fit so achingly perfect, that she wanted to start crying all over again. She could clearly picture his face when she fled from him. He was just trying to be kind and she didn’t know how to handle it. His whiskey eyes were filled with vulnerability and he was so endearingly sincere when he wished her a happy birthday. 

She didn’t want to feel so pleased by his attention, but she did. It’s like the minute that the words flew out of his mouth, she could feel her metaphorical peacock feathers fan out, vying for more of his attention. She wanted to bask in his attention, bathe in it, soak in it,  _ make love to it. _

It physically ached to not reach out to him, but she held it together. She could not.

_ She would not.  _

She made a vow to Poe to be with him against all odds, because they chose each other. They  _ choose _ each other. 

_ Soulmates. Are. Chosen.  _

And yet, her pesky hind brain could not resist countering her.  _ ‘NO! Ben is mate.’  _

Rey could feel the lump in her throat start to form again, a sign that she was going to burst into tears. She gnawed on her lower lip, forcing herself to focus on the physical pain, rather than the sadness that emanated through her soul. If she distracted herself long enough, she would not shed tears. 

At least that’s what she thought. 

Despite this distraction, the tears began to fall down her cheeks in full force, cascading like she was weeping at a funeral.

Why was she crying anyway? If soulmates were chosen, why did this hurt so bad? Why did she feel like she was being torn apart limb from limb? She had done her research and common calling symptoms weren’t supposed to be this emotional. Poe certainly wasn’t like this when he turned twenty-six, which is why she was so certain that she was his mate.

But she was wrong. He belonged to someone else. Someone that clearly was in his life already. 

Was it the barista at the coffee shop they frequented? A colleague? His beautiful next door neighbor, Kaydel? 

_ ‘But now it all makes sense, doesn’t it?’  _ The beast inside her mocked.

She felt like her mind wasn’t hers anymore. Her primal brain had been non-stop all day. Usually she had some semblance of control, but it was relentless. Before it would only spark in certain situations, like when Ben was stressed or angry. It was especially active when Ben took his yearly leave of absence for two weeks. 

This whole time she thought it was because she was just extremely empathetic. Although he drove her up the wall sometimes, she found him lonely and isolated. 

But it was the bond.  _ Their bond.  _

How could she not recognize it? The feelings were extreme enough without the calling symptoms on top of it. How could she have been so blind?

But then again, how could she? Ben viewed her as a colleague. Someone who did adequate, passable work. He certainly kept his distance and he didn’t treat her any different than any of her colleagues. She was the weirdo that always felt drawn to him, while he felt utter indifference.

More tears slipped down her cheek and she wanted to shrivel up in shame. Poe belonged to someone else and was loyal to her and here she was longing to be in the arms of another man. 

_ ‘Ben is mate. Must find mate.’  _

“SHUT UP!” 

She screamed in frustration and threw the closest thing next to her without thinking. It wasn’t until she heard the shatter that she snapped out of her temporary rage. 

Rey looked to where she threw the object and she started sobbing all over again. 

On the floor was the glass rose Poe had gifted her on their one year anniversary. It was a completely unexpected gift. He saw her gazing at it when they went antique shopping. She’d spent fifteen minutes staring at it before walking away, thinking of it as a superfluous and indulgent purchase. In fact, she had forgotten all about the beautiful glass rose until he presented it to her.

He could still hear his voice when he gave it to her. He was sweet and incredibly cheesy when he presented to her.  _ “This rose is like our love. It’ll last forever.” _

As the memory replayed in her mind, she felt her chest tighten. She was an absolute mess, she was sure of it. She could picture herself now - red-rimmed eyes, snot dripping, puffy cheeks, tendrils of hair plastered to her face. 

_ Stop it. _

She needed to get it together and salvage it as much as she could. She hoped, no, prayed it wasn’t beyond repair. 

Her heart sank. 

The stem was shattered into many pieces and although the leaves and petals were intact, the glass had cracked. It was irreparable. Even if she brought it to somewhere to get fixed, it would never be the same. 

She could feel the walls closing in and her breath start to become uneven. Her chest tightened again, making her feel immobilized. 

She was having another panic attack. 

Rey backed away from the shattered rose and sat down on the couch, trying to catch her breath as she let herself sink into her bright turquoise couch. All she needed was a few moments to herself so that she could reset. 

_ ‘These symptoms are just temporary. Biology said that Ben was her soulmate, but it was her choice to be with Poe.’ _ The rational part of her brain assured her. 

_ ‘Ben is MATE!’  _ Her primal brain insisted. 

Before she could argue with that  _ beast _ , the sounds of “Sweet Caroline” poured into the room. 

Poe was calling her.

“Babe?” She said softly, trying to disguise the raspiness in her voice. 

“I hate to do this on your special day, but I can’t come over tonight. Kylo is having one of his episodes.You know how terrible calling redux is and it’s bad, Sunshine.”

She felt it wash over her - relief. She wished she didn’t feel it, but she did. It bought her more time.

“Hey babe, it’s -”

“His soulmate is dead and it’s only been four years. He’s beside himself and I don’t want him to you know -”

“Babe, babe. Really it’s fine. I’m yours and you’re mine. We can celebrate later this week.”

There was a pause on the phone, before she heard an audible sigh. “You’re the best. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

She was about to say something else, but she heard the sound of beeps indicating he had hung up already.

And she? She vomited on her coffee table for the second time that day. 


	4. 4

_“Soulmates are so in tune, that they can feel each other’s emotions when they are heightened. Scientifically, we call this_ the **Anidala effect** ** _,_** _but colloquially, people call this their_ ** _bond._** _Bond sensitivity varies from couple to couple and is usually determined by proximity. However, there are unusually strong bonds, where couples more than a thousand miles apart can feel each other’s emotions. These bonds are referred to as_ ** _force bonds_** **.** _”_

_ -Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt) _

“What are you doing here, Poe?” 

He didn’t expect his best friend to show up at his door. They had an established routine of Thursday beers, so this was out of the ordinary. Not only that, but Poe told him that it was his partner’s birthday. 

He didn’t know much about her, but he knew they were serious and that she was his mate. This was unusual for Poe - he’d always been with a different man or woman pretty much every week. He was in love with love and he used to joke that he wouldn’t meet his partner until they were together for at least two years. 

_ Well, it was a joke _ , but then he found out his mate died. They’d both agreed to not spend much time talking about mates, as it was a triggering topic for him. Once in a while he’d mention her, referring to her only as R. 

He actually asked to meet her last year, but Poe reminded him of his triggers. Plus, there was some preliminary research that an unbound soulmate could get distressed if they were around a couple that was certain to inevitably mate. So they decided against meeting until him and R answered the calling. 

“It all makes sense. Fuck, it all makes sense now.” He said, eyes glassy as he stumbled into his apartment.

Ben closed the door and went to steady Poe, who nearly tripped over his own feet. As he held onto his dear friend, he caught a huge whiff of Everclear -something that he only ever drank if he was going through something. 

“Alright, big guy.” Ben grunted, as he practically lifted him onto the couch. 

“No you’re the big guy, Ky-Guy!!”

He couldn’t help but chuckle, as he made sure his friend was upright on the couch. Ky-Guy or Kylo was the name that he used when they were kids playing “magical dragons”. Somehow it stuck with Poe and he rarely, if ever, called him Ben. 

“How much have you had to drink Poeski?” 

“It makes sense now, Kylo!” He said in wonderment, pointing up in the air like he was preaching. 

Although his tone was that of an excited child, his eyes said otherwise.Whatever it was, it’s what made him drink what he suspected was a whole bottle of the cheapest liquor available. He’d only ever seen Poe this distraught a number of times and each time was because of different heartbreak. 

Instantly, dread filled his mind.  _ ‘Did his mate leave him?’ _ His brows instantly furrowed in worry. If this was the case, he had to make sure that Poe had proper care. He had been there for him and he’d do the same for him.

“Kylo, listen! I didn’t feel calling symptoms!” He said, as he childishly started to punch the couch. 

Before Ben could react, Poe let out a loud whoop and began to lift the cushions off the couch. He stacked them neatly across the front of the couch, before beginning to haphazardly punch them.

Ben nodded and let him continue to beat up the couch cushions. If he needed to buy a new couch, so be it. 

“Yes, I know Sherlock. It’s because R is your soulmate.” 

Poe abruptly stopped punching the cushions and became still. Tears welled in his eyes, and he slowly slinked down to sit against the front of the couch. His expression was blank, like he didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

“No...it’s because I’ve been in contact with my soulmate without knowing it....” 

What was he talking about? Being in contact with someone who was his soulmate? That’d be impossible...unless? 

He thought about it again and as the words settled into his brain it dawned on him:  _ R wasn’t his soulmate _ .

This meant that his soul probably felt like it was being torn apart. He felt a pang in his chest in solidarity. Sure, he hadn’t ever met his soulmate, but he knew the feeling of being torn apart all too well. 

_ Rachel. _

He tried to think of her only during his yearly calling redux episodes. Cassian said that it was unhealthy and that it was “compartmentalizing”, but he needed to do it in order to survive. Whenever he thought about her...he physically ached. And the thing is, once he started thinking about her, he couldn’t stop. He’d think of her…just the shape of her, but solid and clear. 

What she would sound like. What she would laugh like.  _ How she would taste. _

His heart bled for her and he hadn’t even met her. He didn’t even get the chance and now seeing his friend feel that intense connection and love someone else? No wonder he drank his weight in alcohol. He had an impossible choice in front of him. 

He hadn’t met R, but from what he understood he was very much in love with her. How could he leave R -someone who had loved him unconditionally? Someone who had vowed to be with him against all odds? 

Ben took a seat next to Poe and put his hand on his shoulder, trying his best to comfort him. 

“I know Poe, I know. Who is it? You can tell me.”

“Auntie Amilyn...Amilyn…” His best friend looked down at the floor in shame. “Fuck, I can’t call my mate, Auntie Amilyn.” 

Auntie Amilyn was friends with both his mother and Poe’s mother. She was slightly younger than them, but not by much. If he was doing their math correctly, that meant they had a twelve year age gap, which was way above the average four year age difference that soulmates typically had. 

_ Why wouldn’t Auntie Ami go to Poe when he turned eighteen?  _

What was he thinking? Of course she wouldn’t go to him. Not only was it taboo, but she had known him his whole life and thought of him as her nephew. 

Though with this knowledge, everything made a lot more sense. They always had a special bond. Auntie Ami would look after Poe and she somehow knew what to do in order to soothe him. For every milestone in his life, she was there. 

“What am I supposed to do? Hux told me against all protocols and now I can’t get her out of my head.” Poe admitted as a singular tear slid down his face. “What would you do?” He asked brokenly. 

Ben closed his eyes and thought about it. _ What would he do?  _ All he knew was the feeling of his soul being torn apart - heartache for something that never came to fruition. How could he possibly know what to do? 

He talked about R like she was the love of his life.  _ And how do you leave the love of your life? _

“Poe, I can’t answer that for you.” He said solemnly. “All I know is the mental and physical pain of being away from your mate. I can’t tell you what to do, but if I were you, I would ask myself this: which choice will cause you more long term pain?” 

His best friend started to sob and Ben felt his chest tighten with regret. Maybe those weren’t the right words to say, but it was his perspective. His truth. Sometimes he wished he never found out her name, that way the shadow of her wouldn’t haunt him every night he went to sleep. There was even a period where he looked into experimental memory surgery, but it was far too dangerous.

“R...I don’t want to abandon her.” He choked out, trying to prevent another sob.

Ben saw right through his bravery so he did the only thing he could think of: he wrapped his friend up in a hug.

“I support you. No matter what you decide.” 

His words made Poe sob harder, so he embraced him tighter. “Can you meet R with me?” 

“Of course I can.” He said, his voice barely above a whisper like he was cooing a child about to go to sleep.

He could feel Poe’s tears start to soak his shirt and he felt heartbroken all over again. “I’m here for you, Poe. I’m here for you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I wrote another chapter that is just crying. LMAO. Stay tuned for the drama next week - dinner with Ben, Poe, and Rey from Rey's POV.


	5. 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been knee deep in my activism - but I'm back. Here's the chapter you've been waiting for - Ben, Rey, and Poe at dinner! Comments and kudos always appreciated ;)

_ “Soulmates have to “answer” the calling in order for symptoms to subside.  _ **_Answering_ ** _ is the colloquial term, but scientifically it’s called  _ **_everlarking_ ** _.  _ _ The details of everlarking remain shrouded in mystery. Some say everlarking can be triggered by physical touch, while others say it can be triggered by mental acknowledgement. There have been numerous studies on everlarking _ ,  _ but all of the results have been non-conclusive.  _ _ One thing is certain. If  _ **_everlarking_ ** _ does not occur, unbonded mates will continue to face calling symptoms and eventually, calling redux symptoms.” _

_ -Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt) _

Rey was nervous. 

So nervous that she was currently sweating off her makeup, even though it wasn’t remotely hot in her apartment. She also had changed her outfit a total of twelve times and was contemplating a thirteenth change. 

She let out an exasperated sigh as she fiddled with her dress that wouldn’t stay aligned. 

Tonight was  _ supposed _ to go right. 

She had on her favorite dress - her good luck outfit. It was made of luxurious green silk and brought out the golden quality in her skin. It hit right above her ankles and hugged her slim curves, while the thin spaghetti straps showed off her toned arms. It was her silver bullet, but today the dress kept going askew for some odd reason. It was like the universe was sending her a signal. 

_ Maybe she should cancel. _

Logically, she knew this was the right answer. She had just found out that her boss was her soulmate a few days ago and she was barely keeping a handle on her calling symptoms. 

_ Though, she was strong. _

Despite what her biology told her...despite what her  _ blood _ was practically craving - she had avoided Ben as much as possible when she was in the office. 

Though, she did see him within reason. She would only go to his office if she needed his input for their joint projects and when she needed a temporary boost. The calling symptoms made her feel drowsy and lethargic - almost like she was anemic. Though, a quick interaction in Ben’s presence felt like a new lease on life. Everytime they interacted, a burst of energy would instantly flow through her and she would start to feel more like herself. Without Ben’s presence, her mind felt foggy - like she was slogging through the mists and he was her only beacon of light. Without his presence, she felt like she couldn’t breathe and she  _ hated _ it.

She hated it not only because it made her feel pathetic, but mostly because he didn’t seem affected at all. She wouldn’t have even believed he was her mate if she wasn’t instantly relieved by his presence.

It’s not like she could blame him - _ he didn’t know _ . According to the office gossip, Bazine, Ben never requested his soulmate results. Something about “not believing in soulmates”. 

The thought made her stomach lurch. 

_ What kind of heartless person didn’t believe in soulmates?  _

It made her heartache and part of her wanted to believe it wasn’t true. Though, the evidence was right in front of her. If what the doctors said was true, Ben should be just as affected her, but he wasn’t. 

He acted normally. 

_ Indifferent. _

Perhaps that’s why it stung more. She felt the connection so strongly to him. And her? 

She was nothing to him.

_ ‘Not true, mate wants to take care of you!’  _ Her hind brain insisted.

She bit her lip, in a feeble attempt to silence the primal part of her. 

She needed to focus. What was more important was the evening ahead of her. 

She was finally going to meet the elusive Kylo. She’d heard stories about him and she desperately wanted to know more. She knew that Poe was extremely protective of him because his mate had passed away and apparently his calling redux symptoms were so debilitating that he spent his time on the nearly remote island of Ahch-To during his episodes. 

Finn thought it was odd that the love of her life didn't want her to meet his best friend, but Rey saw past that. Poe was being a good friend, simple as that. He took the research seriously and didn’t want Kylo to be exposed to a pair that was certain to mate.

_ ‘Though Kylo would have been totally fine because Poe isn’t my mate.’  _ She thought to herself bitterly.

She wanted to stay positive, but the voices in her wouldn’t leave her alone. Finn’s included. 

_ ‘Poe hasn’t been treating you the same these past six months, Rey.’ _

Finn had made that statement to her a few weeks ago. They were having lunch together and he blurted it out of nowhere. At first she didn’t know what to say - how could he say that? Poe was his friend that he  _ insisted  _ was a good guy. How could he backtrack on that? 

_ ‘Look Rey, I like Poe. He’s my boss and friend, but he’s been alarmingly distant towards you. You two see each other once, maybe twice a week...are you even having sex anymore?’ _

Rey remembered being absolutely furious at his accusation; though, she could understand his overprotectiveness. Finn knew exactly how Plutt treated her. He’d witnessed his abusive behavior and had begged Rey to leave so many times. Because of those experiences, it’s become a reflex for him to immediately react when he felt something wasn’t right. 

As if on cue her hind brain chimed in.  _ ‘Finn right. Poe is not mate! Neeed BEN.’  _

Like before she bit her lip to distract herself. She also chose to focus her attention back on straightening her dress. She gave it a rough tug and thankfully instead of bunching up like it had for the past hour, it smoothed out.

She grinned at her reflection in satisfaction. Finally,  _ something _ was going right. 

_ ‘Ben. NEED Ben.”  _ It insisted. 

But Rey didn’t let it bother her. She was  _ good _ at ignoring things. 

Like Ben Solo’s whiskey eyes that haunted her dreams last night.

* * *

The restaurant Poe chose was beautiful - a rooftop joint called Kanata’s. It was the perfect balance of modern gastro pub and whimsical wonderland. There were brightly colored paper lanterns littered throughout the space and woven around the lanterns were flowers dripping down like vines. It was a gorgeous and a somewhat surprising pick for Poe. He much preferred the fine dining scene, which tended to be a bit more stuffy. 

“Hey, babe.”

Hearing his voice made her relax. It was a reminder that she needed to live in the moment and concentrate on who was in front of her. There was no use dwelling on Ben Solo. Even if they had met before, she was sure they wouldn’t have connected. Ben was too closed off and of course there was the fact that he didn’t believe in soulmates.

“Kylo’s late.” 

She nodded and he slipped his hand into hers and gave her an encouraging squeeze. “You’re gonna love him. He’s a little shy, but I think you’ll get along.”

She flashed him a smile. “I’m looking forward to it.”

* * *

Turns out Kanata’s was owned by Kylo’s aunt, a short lady named Maz who looked like her age was suspended in time. Although it was clear that she was older, she didn’t have any wrinkles on her forehead and her skin was rich and dark with the elasticity of someone in her mid-20s. Big horn-rimmed glasses framed her face and her shiny ebony hair was tied up in a loose knot at the top of her head. 

She was sweet to both her and Poe and offered their meal to be on the house. She of course insisted on paying, but the older woman would not take no for an answer. 

“Scold my nephew when you see him.” Maz teased. 

Just as she was about to leave her and Poe to enjoy their ginger mules, a flash of recognition crossed the older woman’s eyes.

Rey felt the air leave her lungs and somehow she  _ knew. _

“BEN SOLO!” Maz yelled. 

The confirmation slipping from Maz’s lips caused her to freeze in temporary panic. 

_ ‘Mate.’ _ Her primal brain whispered lasciviously. 

Her senses vacillated from fuzzy to sharp, a sign that her hind brain was urging her to approach Ben to get more energy. She had to regain control in order to think through this situation properly. 

It wasn’t the best tactic but she bit her lip again, this time allowing herself to draw blood. It was a short reprieve but it bought her time to strategize. 

Should she act normal? Politely say hi? Dismiss herself and go to the bathroom? Whatever it was she had to act fast; though, she had the tiniest sliver of hope that it wasn’t Ben and that Maz was mistaken.

But she knew the truth. She didn’t need to look over to know that he was here. Even before her birthday, she could sense his presence and right now it was overwhelming. It’s like she could feel the jolt of recognition flow through her veins. 

“Kylo, my man!” 

She took a sip of her drink to calm her nerves and clenched her fists until they turned white. 

“Rey, Kylo’s coming over!” Poe said with excitement. 

She made the mistake of looking up from her drink and watched in horror as Poe made a waving motion in the direction where Maz yelled. She quickly looked down at her glass, as if to will herself to disappear from the situation. 

She  _ felt _ him approaching and knew she couldn’t escape. The intensity of their connection felt like a cocktail of pheremones and she had nowhere to go. She didn’t want to face the truth. 

She heard the squeak of Poe’s chair backing up as he greeted  _ him _ . 

“Rey, honey. Meet, Kylo.” 

She looked up from her glass and felt the air leave her lungs. Intense honey eyes, a large and looming frame, but soft all the same. She was forced to process this whether she liked it or not. 

As usual, fate loved to be cruel to her. 

Kylo was Ben.

Ben was Kylo.

“Reyna.” 

“Ben.”

The bile rose up in her throat, but she physically resisted. 

_ Ignore, ignore, ignore.  _

Everything was  _ fine. _

She  _ had _ to be fine. 

* * *

But everything  _ wasn’t _ fine. 

To say Rey was uncomfortable was an understatement. She was twisted on the inside and her emotions were erratic, with her irrational and hind brain in a tense battle. 

_ ‘You’re fine. Poe is your mate. Soulmates are chosen.’ _

_ ‘Poe is not mate! Ben is here. He is yours, you are his.’ _

_ ‘Poe is your chosen mate.’ _

_ ‘Ben, Ben, BENNNN!’  _

The best she could do was keep gnawing at her poor lips that were likely very bruised at this point. It was the only way she could focus and silence the competing voices in her head. Ben usually gave her clarity, but with both him and Poe in and the mix she couldn’t trust herself.

She expected Poe to notice, but he continued to be his jovial self. In fact, he found the situation hysterical. He even had the audacity to reveal her code name for Ben, without any regard to their professional relationship. His laughter that usually soothed her, only brought her pain and embarrassment. She wouldn’t dare look Ben in the eye as Poe revealed that she referred to him as Ren, explaining that this was the reason why he didn’t put two and two together that he was her grouchy boss. 

Also, apparently Poe never even referred to her by her real name to Ben. She was ‘R’, a mere letter. It shouldn’t have stung, but somehow it did. He had no reason to not reveal her name to Ben. 

If Ben was uncomfortable, he didn’t show it. He continued on business as usual with his trademark steely exterior. He laughed politely and didn’t even so much as glance at her as she guzzled down her fifth ginger mule of the night. 

She felt like she was an unwilling passenger watching a real life horror movie play in front of her. All this time and they had been connected by Poe.  _ All _ this time and they had known each other. 

Maybe it was the shock wearing off, but something dawns on her and it’s ugly. It makes the situation tragic and she wants - no, she’s  _ begging  _ for a black hole to swallow her up into the ether. She’s had enough tragedy in her life. 

All this time and Ben Solo was not only closed off, cold, and temperamental, but he was also a  _ liar _ . 

His mate wasn’t dead. She was here in front of his eyes and he’s coldly treated her like an employee that did a “passable” job for years. 

He knew.

All the bloody rumors about him not seeking out soulmate results was a lie. He didn’t want to find her. 

He didn’t  _ care _ to find her. 

Her soulmate was a sociopath.

Any sense of decorum that she had was gone. She whipped out her cellphone in front of both Ben and Poe and began furiously typing.

**Rey:** _ Fin, I kno I haen’t tld yu, but my fking boss is m solmte + he’s P’s bes frind.  _

_ Fck cn’t type. He is Poe’s bst friend. He’s Kylo… _

_ y is evryone destined to abandon me _

_ He’s a liar wh sid his mate is ded _

_ But im here _

_ Hes a liar  _

“Hey, you don’t have to pretend anymore. Poe went to the bathroom.”

She’s so startled by Ben’s voice, that her phone slipped from her grip. She expected it to fall and break, but it is saved by a large hand engulfing her own. 

‘ _ Mate _ .’ 

“Easy now.”

_ When did her vision get cloudy? _

As her phone beeped, Ben steadied her.

_ Wait, when did she stand up? _

“Reyna, I think you need to sit down.” 

She’s so overwhelmed that all rationale goes out the window. His nearness, the whole situation, the fact that she was cursed and abandoned. She couldn’t breathe. 

_ Why should she suffer in silence, while Ben got away with everything with no consequences?  _

She twisted out of his grip expecting to feel steady, but the room felt like it was spinning. She swayed to the right and much to her annoyance, his large hands engulfed her once more and he gently but firmly made sure she was sitting back in her chair.

“You have some nerve, Ben.” She hissed. “I will stand if I want to.” 

She stood up despite her nausea and the hurt look that crossed over his handsome features. She  _ almost _ felt sorry for him, but she was certain that her empathy was just calling symptoms. She didn’t care for Ben. It was her stupid predisposed biology that wanted her to believe Ben was good, but he wasn’t. 

He abandoned her. 

“You’re a liar.”

He furrowed his eyebrow with worry as she prodded his chest with her finger. “You are despicable and…”

Her phone beeped, distracting her. 

**Finn:** _ Peanut, where are you? _

_ If I understood everything you wrote, you’re wrong. _

_ You changed your name, Rey. He would’ve thought you were dead.  _

As she read the text, she felt all semblance of warmth leave her body. Although her brain was foggy, Finn’s words registered in her head like he was right next to her. 

_ He thinks I’m dead. _

She’s overwhelmed and nauseous and the room continued to spin.

_ He thinks I’m dead. He thinks I’m dead. He thinks I’m dead.  _

The last thing she remembered was being in the safety of his arms before her vision went black. 


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long folks! It's been an unprecedented busy time with work. It's been wild, but here's the new chapter (finally!). 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always much appreciated :)

_“Because of modern soulmate testing, it is rare that people do not have the possibility to meet their mate. However, occasionally there are mates for some reason or another that are unable to meet due to rare circumstances. For instance, if a mate is in a country that has not signed on to the International Soulmate Exchange Agreement, they would get a false “no soulmate” reading.”_

_-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)_

Hospitals always felt uncomfortable to him. It was a place that brought new life and in some cases prolonged or extended life; however, it also was a place that reeked of death and decay. For him in particular, it was a place where he was reminded of his shortcomings and his weaknesses. 

And his _guilt._

The last time he was here, his life hung by a thread. He had drank too much and probably would have choked on his bile if Poe hadn’t found him. It was a grueling ordeal. His stomach got pumped and he was given a second chance to live. 

He didn’t think he deserved it.

He’d been through this many times with Cassian, but he still felt guilty about living. Specifically, he felt survivor’s guilt despite never having met his soulmate. His mate was gone and he got to live, even though he didn’t deserve it. He was a sob story trust fund kid with mommy and daddy issues. What was he worth?

‘ _Nothing.’_ The most destructive part of him often mocked. 

It was a mindset he’d been working on undoing, but the feeling of Reyna fainting in his arms brought all those feelings back. He had to protect and save her or else he honestly didn’t know what he would do. 

It was irrational to have these feelings, but they were constantly simmering on the surface every time he was around her. It was wildly inappropriate for him to project his feelings about his dead mate onto Reyna. It was even more fucked up that he had _always_ felt something towards Poe’s chosen mate. 

He couldn’t help it though. When she was in his arms his first instinct was to protect her - to save her no matter what the cost. He expected Poe to react the same, but he could see something was different.

_Off._

Poe displayed the necessary concern, but he could tell that his best friend was distracted. When they arrived at the hospital, it was like he was going through the motions. He was saying the right things, holding her hand like a doting mate, but his eyes said otherwise - he was a million miles away and Ben wanted to scream at his friend.

His mate - his _chosen_ mate could be severely ill and he was distracted? It was not fair to Reyna and he knew it had to do with his own bond with Amilyn. The instinct to protect just wasn’t the same now that Poe knew who his fated soulmate was. 

He couldn’t help, but feel angry and an even darker part of him was envious. Fate was cruel to Poe, _sure_ \- but he had two mates in his life that were devoted to him. He had the luxury of choice and the monstrous part of him was painted green. 

“Ben?”

He didn’t pay Poe any mind, as he was too focused on Reyna being hooked up with an IV. On the way over, her pulse was erratic and her breathing was uneven. It was utterly terrifying to see her this way. Luckily, her face was regaining color and much to his relief her breathing was steadying.

“I - can we talk outside?” Poe asked, this time louder and more firmly. 

The nurse administering the IV gave Poe an incredulous look. 

_Why would he suggest leaving at this critical moment?_

He tore his eyes away from Rey and he was frozen for what seemed like hours. He was just as surprised as the nurse, but he didn’t know what to say and didn’t know how to react. He already felt angry and now all of his feelings were becoming an even more jumbled mess of disappointment and resentment as well. 

As if sensing the awkwardness, the nurse shooed them away. “Gentlemen, Miss Reyna is in good hands if you need to chat.” 

Ben let out a weak “thank you” to the nurse as Poe gestured towards the door and he passively followed his friend out. 

He expected them to stay right outside the door, but Poe led them far out enough so that there was definitely no chance the nurse or Reyna would be within earshot. That rubbed him the wrong way and he just knew Poe was going to tell him news he did not want to hear. 

Instinctually, his hands balled into fists, as Poe lightly paced back in forth in front of him.

“I - I don’t know how to say this.”

He closed his eyes briefly, hoping that it would bring him clarity. “Come on Poe, spit it out.”

There was silence and then the loud squeak of Poe’s sneakers skidding to an abrupt stop. He looked at his friend and felt his heart clench. He hadn’t noticed before, but Poe looked like an absolute wreck. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin looked sallow like he was coming down with a cold. 

He was about to say something, but Poe looked down in shame, not wanting to meet his eyes. “Ben, I have to go. Amilyn has a fever.”

He blinked in disbelief, buying time to allow the words to register. He was already in overdrive, but now he felt like he was a passenger in his body and in front of him was just a scene. 

It didn’t feel real.

It couldn’t be real. 

“Ben -” Poe let out weakly, before he interrupted with a fury. 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Poe?” All sense of control he had on the drive to the hospital was lost.

He saw his best friend wince and the conflict was clear. Poe’s normally sunny eyes were clouded - what was happening was tearing him apart and for that he could feel empathy towards his friend. Though, the emotion that he was overwhelmingly felt was a sense of possessiveness and desperation for _something_. 

A tear slipped down Poe’s cheek and the maelstrom of emotions in him intensified. He had to take a pause and breathe before he did anything rash. 

“Kylo, please.” 

He felt his friend’s hand on his shoulder and his breathing steadied and a little bit of clarity flooded his senses. “You need to be fair to her, Poe. Remember what I said about the path of less pain.”

“I understand.” 

“Do you?”

“Amilyn needs me.” Poe choked out.

“This is your choice then.” Ben said solemnly. He didn’t need to phrase it as a question. The fact that Poe was leaving to see Amilyn meant that he had made his choice. The pull of his “genetic” mate outweighed the love he allegedly felt for Reyna. Part of him was sorely disappointed in Poe, but the primal side of him - the monster, was glowering with pleasure that made him sick to his stomach.

 _‘Mate is yours.’_ His brain hissed. 

“I’ll be back later, Ben.” Poe insisted as he turned on his heels to leave. 

He flinched at hearing his given name escape his best friend’s lips. Though everyone called him Ben, Poe didn’t. It was uncharacteristic of him and he’s not sure exactly what it meant.

“Poe, if you leave now, it means you made your choice.” 

His friend froze in his tracks and he saw the sign of defeat that was so definitively Poe - his shoulders sagged, but the right one did more, but just slightly. 

It was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop in the room. 

“I’ll see you in the morning, Ben.” He said tersely, but with a clear emphasis on his given name. 

Now he _knew_ something was wrong and though he wanted to remedy it, his feet stayed planted. 

For the first time in over twenty years of friendship, he let it go and so did Poe. 

Next thing he knew he was alone, with the only indication of Poe’s previous presence being the loud sound of the stairwell door closing. 

It was only then that he realized that this was their first fight, but he knew now was not the time to dwell on it. There were important things - no, _someone_ was more important than a squabble between friends. 

_Reyna._

* * *

Ben was restless when Poe left, but he had to be strong. Reyna would know the truth soon - that her mate wasn’t there and that maybe he wasn’t coming back. 

_‘Good, mate is all ours.’_

He chewed on his lip, a habit that he’d picked up the past week. It seemed to quell his primal brain from getting too loud. Over the past year he’d gotten significantly better at ignoring that part of his brain, but it had gotten unbearably loud the past few months. 

Ben sat down in the chair next to Reyna’s bed and pulled out a journal - the one Cassian encouraged him to keep. Whenever life got overwhelming the best coping mechanism for him was writing it out. Even though he still felt those overwhelming emotions, putting his pen to paper felt cathartic. It reminded him that he was human too and more importantly that having emotions was okay.

However, with just a glance at her, he felt himself falling apart. The pull was present, like an invisible string tethered between them. She didn’t have to do anything, it was just there, inextricably drawing him to her. 

Against his better judgement, he continued to gaze at her. She looked exhausted even in her sleep. Her eyebrows were knitted in worry and her forehead was slick with perspiration, causing the fine wisps of her hair to stay matted across her face. 

His hand was mere inches from her delicate face and he ached to brush the hair away from her forehead.

Just one slight movement and he’d be able to provide her comfort.

 _‘She doesn’t need your comfort.’_ The logical part of him countered. 

He closed his eyes and bit down on his lip again, drawing a bit of blood. The coppery taste had become familiar the past fews days. In a fucked up way it brought him back to reality.

Poe or no Poe - what he felt was inappropriate and he needed to squash it at all costs. 

He pursed his lips and forced himself to look away from Reyna’s face. Part of him was howling - his inner monster that whispered to him that she was his. 

He picked up his pen and started to write.

_‘I refuse to be a monster…’_

* * *

“You must really love your girlfriend.” 

He looked up and saw the nurse from earlier. Now that his mind was clearer, he was able to truly observe her. She was a petite woman with a sweet face - expressive almond eyes and a smile that screamed great bedside manner but not in an obnoxious way. 

She laughed and he realized that he was just staring at her mutely. He could feel his ears turning his “signature” strawberry red and nodded, unsure of what to say. He didn’t want to embarrass the nurse and correct her, especially since she had been so attentive towards Reyna for the past few hours. 

“You haven’t slept or left her side in hours.” She continued as she checked Reyna's IV bag. “Anyhow, I really admire that. My fiance is a doctor and he did something similar when I was in the hospital for an allergic reaction - really makes a girl feel loved.” 

“What’s your name?” He asked in an attempt to make conversation.

“Rose.”

“That’s what my Nana wanted to name me if I was a girl.”

If it was possible, he swore she smiled even bigger. “Let me get you a cot, big guy. I’m sure your lady would be mad if you didn’t sleep.”

He felt his throat close up. The correction was on the tip of his tongue, but like before he didn’t bother. Except this time he did not have an excuse.

“I’ll be back, Mr. Solo.”

“Ben, please call me Ben.”

She paused at the doorway and gave Ben a thumbs up. “Alright, Ben.” 

* * *

He finally gathered the strength to leave Reyna’s side around five in the morning. It was like pulling teeth but he managed to get up. He probably slept a total of four hours max, much to the behest of Nurse Rose who had scolded him throughout the late night and early morning. 

In some ways he felt like he was going out of his mind because the monster inside of him felt it necessary to check on Reyna every hour. Luckily he had some melatonin on hand and fell asleep on the roll away cot Rose brought over to him. He initially resigned himself to not sleeping, but Rose convinced him to lay down and he managed to get some shut eye. Thank god for her because he wasn’t sure if he’d be coherent and he needed to be. 

He sipped on the watery hospital coffee as he headed back to Reyna’s room. Part of him hoped that she was still asleep as he couldn’t bear giving her the bad news. To be frank, he wasn’t sure if he was prepared to say anything. 

How does one tell someone that their mate had chosen to leave them in their time of need? 

He opened the door to Reyna’s room and he saw Nurse Rose tending to Reyna. Rose had that same jovial smile and he felt the gratefulness in the pit of his stomach. Sometimes “less serious” hospital cases weren’t taken with care, but Rose was the real deal - a good nurse.

“Hey, Ben - look who’s up!”

As he approached the hospital bed he saw that Reyna was wide awake. Though he was nervous about that initially, he felt relief. If she was awake it meant that she was starting to stabilize and that to him was leagues above him feeling comfort in the situation in front of him.

Her face was flushed and her bright hazel eyes were downcast. 

“I’ll leave you to it.” 

“Thanks, Rose.”

“Yes, thank you Rose.” Reyna said, her voice still gravelly from sleep.

The door clicked shut and the mood changed completely. He felt awkward, not only for what he had to tell her, but also because his primal brain had been out of control all last night.

“You can take a seat, Ben.”

He swallowed thickly and obeyed. He wouldn’t dare look at her - he didn’t deserve to look at her. 

The tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. 

_Fuck, he was not equipped to deal with this._

“I’m sorry.”

Her voice was like a balm to his soul, but he was also confused. What did she have to be sorry for? His best friend was the one that acted terribly and he still remembered her own words from last night. He must have done something reprehensible at work and it didn’t register because he was far too damaged. 

“You know...an apology is more easily received when you actually look at the person.” She chided, but not with malice.

He looked up at her sheepishly. “I...you have nothing to apologize for, Reyna.”

She shook her head in disagreement and he desperately wanted to counter her. However, her delicate hand slipping into his distracted him. His anxiety instantly dulled, which comforted him and terrified him at the same time. 

She was supposed to be just his employee, but the effect she had on him was visceral. 

“You didn’t deserve to be yelled at. We both couldn’t have known who the other was. I realize that now...you never lied.”

He felt it coming - the word vomit. For some reason, Reyna showing vulnerability, was compelling him to be more transparent. He bit his lip to temper it but the words tumbled out. 

“Reyna, I’m very guarded at work. There are things that many people don’t know about me, which is why I come off cold. It’s become my default and I’m sorry I’ve made you feel some kind of way, I -”

“Stop. You don’t have to do this, Ben.” She insisted as she gently squeezed his hand. “You don’t owe me an explanation, we’re just colleagues.” 

“You’re my best friend’s mate, Reyna. Whether we like it or not, this changes things. I know it may seem odd given our working relationship, but I sincerely want us to be friends.” . 

Her eyes were filled with sadness so he did the right thing - he pushed his own feelings aside. She was the one who had fainted. She was the one who was abandoned by her mate. He needed to be the bigger person in the situation, so he swallowed down his hurt and continued to tell his story. 

“I don’t know if Poe told you but my soulmate is dead. To say it did a number on me is an understatement.”

He paused, being vulnerable was not his thing, but for some reason he felt he could push through this time. She squeezed his hand again and he felt the corner of his slip curve up slightly. 

“I’m sorry about your mate, Ben.” She choked out, her eyes sparkling with unshed tears. 

Her hand clasped his once again and he comforted her, rubbing his thumb back and forth over her palm. She shakily let out a sob and he desperately wanted to do more to make her sadness go away. 

“I don’t like seeing you in pain, Kenobi.” 

She laughed through her tears and he swore it was one of the most beautiful sounds he had ever heard. 

“Her being dead changed me and I’ve been trying to pull myself together ever since. I’ve been closed off and besides Poe, I’ve been alone…” 

“You’re not alone.” Rey assured him. 

His eyes widened and he instantly felt a burst of warmth spread throughout his body. 

_She cared_.

“Neither are you.” He whispered back. He felt his hand tremble beneath hers, but like she read his mind, Rey rubbed her thumb against his palm to comfort him. 

It could have been the trick of the light, but he swore she saw her leaning forward. Maybe he was caught up in the moment, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. Her hazel eyes were as beautiful and expressive as ever and her pink lips were parted just so. 

She looked perfect. 

It didn’t seem like it was real, but then she closed her eyes and leaned more towards him. Like that moment in his office, Ben felt like their heart beats were in sync. Just one move and he could finally find out what she tasted like. 

He closed his eyes and began to move towards her, but then his hind brain pulled him back into reality. 

_‘Mate wants you.’_ The monster teased. 

He froze immediately before backing away from Rey abruptly. In his haste, he roughly let go of her hand like and her eyes immediately fluttered open in shock. 

Her eyes bore into his and he felt that ever familiar feeling - _shame_.

Rey parted her mouth like she was gearing up to say something, but they were interrupted by the opening of the door.

“Hey Ky-Guy!” A familiar voice said brightly. “And is that my best gal wide awake?”

He got up immediately from his chair and gave his friend a half-hearted wave. Poe appeared to be in much better shape. Gone was his gaunt appearance from yesterday - now he looked like he was refreshed. His skin was brighter, the dark circles under his eyes had disappeared and the color had returned to his cheeks. Classic sign of the “soulmate effect”. He was tempted to ask him about it, but now was not the time to interrogate his friend. 

Right now, Reyna was the priority. 

“Patient Reyna is in tip top shape.” He reported.

“Patient Reyna can speak for herself.” She teased, much to his relief. 

_Maybe he didn’t freak her out after all..._

“If it wasn’t clear, you have today off and Monday if you need it.”

“Wow, you two are getting along?” 

He nodded at his friend and his face lit up like a kid during Christmas. “See babe, I told you dating me would eventually have its perks.” 

Reyna laughed. “Thanks, Ben. You can call me Rey. Reyna is far too formal.”

“Okay.” He paused, forming her shortened name on his lips. “Okay, Rey.” 

“Thanks for taking care of my gal, Ky-Guy.” Poe said as he outstretched his hand for a handshake. 

Ben hesitated for a moment, but his friend was pleading to him with his eyes and he couldn’t bring himself to deny him. It felt unnatural given the gravity of the situation, but he relented and clasped his best friend’s hand, as if nothing was wrong. His duty was done and he had to walk away. Poe and him could sort out what happened some other day. 

He released Poe from the handshake and gave him a look that indicated that he wanted to talk later.

“I’ll be off then.” He said curtly.

Poe gave him a nod and Rey gave him a weak wave and a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Thanks again, Ben.” She said quietly.

Ben didn’t answer her. If he did he knew he wouldn’t be able to walk away. The sadness in her eyes made him want to stay and he was weak, so he had to keep moving. 

As he forced himself to walk away, the taste of copper flooded onto his tongue.


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Self-destructive behavior, mental health issues, signs of post-traumatic stress. I also want to remind people that both characters have deep-seated issues. It'll be angsty and ugly but it's all part of the journey. This is when Rey in particular hits rock bottom.

_“Though the Soulmate Choice movement has gained traction - statistically it has not translated. According to the most recent data, 90% of non-soulmate marriages end in divorce.”_

_-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)_

* * *

It’s been about two months since “the incident”. She expected things to crumble...she expected him to leave her, but Poe stayed and was sincerely trying to be a better mate. He was seeing her more and overall being doting - meeting her for coffee during the work week, eating at dive bars that she knew he hated, and even sitting through cheesy rom-com after cheesy rom-com. He was trying and in turn she felt more secure. 

Although she felt more grounded, there was some doubt lingering in her mind. She turned to Finn to help her sort out her feelings and although he was supportive, he was very critical of Poe’s behavior. He was skeptical to say the least - insisting that Poe was compensating for his misdeed of leaving her at the hospital in the middle of the night. He also (much to her annoyance), insisted that she was putting Poe on some pedestal, when he was “only doing the bare minimum.” 

That comment in particular stung, so she’d been avoiding him. 

_Who was he to tell her how to feel?_

She would not abandon Poe and she would not leave Ben either. Finn already screamed at her several times about that topic but she had thought it out. Both of them could stay in her life and she did not want to apologize for it.

Finn told her she was being selfish, but she _had_ to have them both. Rey thought it made the most sense - Ben would be one of her closest friends and Poe would remain her mate. It was a win-win. Plus, although it was uncommon, a small percentage of soulmates lived in companionship _not_ as romantic partners. Granted, most of those cases were in the rare instances of soulmates being siblings, but it didn’t matter to her. What mattered was that the possibility was there. Ben and her could co-exist as friends and she could be loyal to her chosen mate. 

Platonic soulmates were... _are_ a thing and though Finn didn’t disagree with that, he didn’t think it was possible with Ben. He wanted her to come clean and move forward. 

A part of her knew he was right, but she couldn’t let go. Rey knew what it was like to be tossed away like garbage - to be abandoned and mistreated. She couldn’t bear to do it to Poe and especially not with Ben. She’d sort out how to tell them both the truth when she was ready. 

Mostly, she’d been stuck on how to tell Ben. 

_How does one tell her biological mate that they're not dead?_

He was her boss AND her mate’s best friend, which made things even more complicated. It was a difficult situation that she was not prepared to deal with. All she knew was survival and self-preservation...but this?

_No one teaches you how to deal with this._

Rey felt the truth on the tip of her tongue several times, but the words had died in her mouth.

_‘Go to therapy, Rey.’_

She sighed, remembering Finn’s hour long lecture two weeks ago. He had called her every few days to check-in, despite her rejecting each call. She understood where he was coming from, but she just needed more time to process.

Ben and her were becoming close too, which if she was being honest, complicated things.

Turned out, he meant what he said at the hospital; he genuinely wanted to be friends. Not only did their cadence at work improve, but she found herself looking forward to her time spent with him. They often had lunch together, and she enjoyed getting to know him on a deeper level outside of work too. They went out to frequent dinners with Poe and Finn but also spent plenty of time on their own. He even brought her on her very first hike, (which she found torturous), but he was an incredible supporter and helped her out when climbing got particularly tough. 

It was like night and day. 

As boss and employee, he always had walls up. As she got to know him not as her boss, but as Ben - his walls startled to crumble. The surly persona he showed to his employees and clients was clearly a facade. He was kind, shy, and unassumingly funny. Ben was an old soul like herself - he loved vintage arcades, art museums, and libraries. He could be her best friend if Finn didn’t already hold that title. 

They were indescribably in tune with each other and everytime they were together she could feel something deep inside her sigh with relief and contentment. Her hind brain had also been much quieter and the calling symptoms had subsided so much, that she hardly felt any discomfort at all. 

It felt good to be around him.

 _‘It’s called a soulmate high, Rey.’_ Finn’s irritated voice echoed in her mind. 

She nibbled on her lip in frustration. At this point, Finn was the voice inside her head, constantly reminding her of reality. 

So what if she was on a soulmate high? _Platonic_ soulmate highs exist. 

Plus, she didn’t think of him romantically. She couldn’t. 

That moment in the hospital, where she was certain he would kiss her, was a trick of the light. 

It’s not like she _wanted_ to kiss Ben. 

And so what if her body leaned forward? It was just a natural response to the bond. 

And the erratic beating of her heart in that moment? 

A mere coincidence.

* * *

_Bang._

Rey bolted upright, startled by the urgent knocking on her front door. Her head ached and she still wasn’t quite cognizant to what was going on, but she knew she had to get up. Whoever it was, it was urgent. 

Groggily, she stumbled out of bed, making note of the hour as she passed by her clock. It was nearly midnight. 

_Who could be visiting her right now?_

Her mind went in a million different directions. Could it be Finn? Or maybe even Rose? They had become close since her time at the hospital and she had confided that things between her and her fiance had been rough lately...

 _Bang, bang, bang._

The knocking became more persistent. 

Part of her brain, the _rational_ part, knew that it probably wasn’t anyone with mal intent, but her body was triggered. The familiar beginnings of fight or flight mode began - her heartbeat started to speed up and she felt herself beginning to perspire. Her mind also went to the worst case scenario. 

Should she call someone for help? Should she try to leave her apartment through the fire escape? 

“Rey, it’s me!” A familiar voice yelled through the door.

She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in, as the voice washed over her. 

She was safe, everything was fine. It was just Poe. 

Poe her _mate_. 

Her body was still tense from going into fight or flight, but she started to slowly ease up and get some clarity.

Poe didn’t do this. Whenever something was wrong, he would call her. If he was really upset, he’d come over the next day and they’d watch some of his favorite comfort films. He had never shown up in the middle of the night unannounced. 

Something was wrong. 

She bit her lip, hoping it would speed up her recovery, but it didn’t. She still felt _it_. That pit in her stomach that told her she had to brace herself for the worse. 

“Rey.” His voice pleaded, this time sounding even more desperate. 

She shook off her dread and forced herself to function. He needed her and her dread was probably misguided. A few weeks ago she thought he would leave and she was wrong. Whatever it was, she knew that he’d continue to stand by her regardless of what he had to tell her tonight. 

Going on auto-pilot she put on a robe over her pajamas, and rushed towards the door. She opened it quickly and haphazardly, causing the door to slam into her wall. 

She winced at the loud noise, but Poe’s didn’t react at all. In fact, he looked like he was lost in a fog of thoughts. His face was void of any expression and he looked sickly. His normally bouncy curly hair was limp and there were dark circles under his eyes that weren’t there when she saw him the other day.

 _He looked haunted._

“Babe, is everything alright? Please come in.” 

Their eyes met and a cloud of sadness cast over his features. She could see the discomfort radiating throughout his body language, but she dismissed it. She had to remind herself - he was distressed and she needed to be a good partner to him, like he was to her when she was in a dark place.

She gave him a reassuring smile, but Poe still remained silent as he stepped into her apartment. He slowly walked into her space as if he was committing it to memory. Teal walls that he helped paint, kitschy decorations from their travels, a few antique pieces, the rose that Rey carefully pieced back together as much as she can. His hands glided over random items with care and reverence. 

Rey wanted to say something to him, to break the silence. To cut through the dread that was starting to creep up again, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. 

“Can we sit down?” He finally said. 

She nodded and they sat at her tiny kitchen table - the one that he had bought for her last summer. Pale blue and vintage. Antique. A little bit broken too if she was being honest. No matter how many times she fixed one of the legs it was always loose.

He folded his hands on the table and she could tell that he was gearing up for something big. He only ever did that gesture when he brought up news that he thought she didn’t want to hear.

She swallowed in nervousness, bracing for impact. Whatever it was, she could handle it. He had done so much for her in her journey - she could do the same for him. 

“Poe...is there something you want to tell me?” 

He looked up and she could see the mist start to fill his eyes and her heart broke. 

This wasn’t her Poe. Her Poe was bright and optimistic. She could count on one hand the amount of times she had seen him cry. Whatever it was, it had to be serious - was it his mother? Did he have a health condition? 

The knot in her stomach felt heavy as she entertained another idea - _what if Ben wasn’t okay_?

“I - I don’t know how to tell you, Rey.” He stuttered out as a single tear fell down his right cheek.

She leaned forward and clasped her hands into his. “You can tell me. Remember what we said? We’ll stand by each other through anything.”

She paused, making sure to meet his eyes. “No matter what.”

Rey expected her overture to instill bravery in Poe, but instead he broke down more. He untangled his hands from hers and put them over his face. He let out a pained, agonized sob and it struck her deeply to her core. 

She stood up from her chair to comfort him, but he stopped her. “Please, Rey don’t. I don’t deserve your comfort.”

A lump formed in her throat and she willed herself to sit down. 

_She will stand by him through anything._

_She will._

_She WILL._

_She had to._

“You’re not my soulmate, Rey.”

He searched her face, waiting for a reaction, but she willed herself to remain neutral. Though, she felt gutted - like the wind had been knocked out of her. The information shouldn’t have made her feel that way because she had known for far longer than him, but somehow it did. 

Because it made it real. 

Rey ran out of time, even though she thought she had a little more. Just the other week, she called The Department of Soulmates and they said that they were behind on sending out official mailings. 

_How did he find out?_

_Did he know about Ben?_

_Oh, god._

The old Rey would crumble, but she was different now. She was steadfast and strong she could - no, she _had to_ push through. 

“Poe, it’s going to be okay. Nothing changes - we choose each other.” She said confidently.

Though her voice was firm, she could feel herself wavering as she observed her mate. He looked torn and full of regret. 

_He looked like he was going to abandon her._

“Her name is Amilyn Holdo. I’ve known her for a long time.” 

She heard him, but the ringing in her ears was louder. Her body was numb, just like the moment before she fainted. She felt out of body, like she was merely witness to the trainwreck that she knew was about to unfold. 

Her eyes were brimming with unshed tears and she desperately wanted to feel that confidence in Poe. They had been through so much together and he was so staunch in his belief of chosen soulmates. He wouldn’t dare leave her.

She let out a ragged breath and the tears started to fall. 

Poe zeroed in on her tears and let out a soft sob. “I’m so sorry.” 

The second the word ‘sorry’ left his mouth, a chill went up her spine. This was it.

_This was the end._

“Why are you sorry?” She said so softly that even she barely heard herself. 

“I can’t be with you anymore, Rey. It’s not fair to either of you.” 

As those words registered, something inside of her snapped. It was familiar - that same adrenaline rush she had fought against Plutt. 

It was time to protect herself. 

“But you promised! _You_ said regardless of the results that we would be together. Me and you.” She said in a flurry of sadness and anger. 

“You’re right. I did promise and I’m breaking that promise.” He said between ugly, choked out sobs. 

Both of their eyes were rimmed red and she wanted to reach out to him. Everything inside her ached to do it, but he broke his promise and now she couldn’t trust him. He could no longer be a source of comfort to her because he was a liar. Someone who made her believe. 

“My friend, Hux...he slipped me my results to help spare my pain. I didn’t know what to do with them...I should have told you the minute I found out but...”

“But, what?”

“I wanted to s-stay with you...” He stuttered out through his tears.

“Why can’t you stay?” She cried out in desperation. “Choose me.”

She was battered and bruised, but her heart was still foolish. She still held onto that small fragment of hope that he would choose her. “Please.” 

Poe let out a growl of frustration and punched the wall behind him, causing her display of antique trinkets to shake. Her eyes flitted to the glass rose that was already in rough shape. The impact of his punch caused it to be at the ledge of the display and when she let out another exhale, she watched it fall again, this time shattering into what seemed like a million fragments.

The second it dropped, she wailed like a wounded animal as she scrambled towards the rose. Snot was dripping down her chin as she mindless scraped the pieces into a pile. 

Through his tears, he started to plead to her. “Rey honey, your hands are getting cut. Please stop.”

But she couldn’t. She kept scraping blindly, despite feeling the cuts starting to prick her hands. 

“Rey, STOP!” He shouted.

She froze, watching the small rivulets of blood trickle onto her kitchen tile. It should have hurt, but she was feeling numb. 

“Please leave.” She whispered.

“Rey, please...let me wrap up your hands. Your hands ---”

“I need you to go.” She said weakly. 

Ignoring her plea, Poe went to the kitchen and grabbed the first aid kit. He haphazardly threw things out of the box until he found the gauze and medical tape that he needed. Then, he approached her like a wounded animal. His movements were slow and deliberate, like he expected her to run away and reject him, but she was resigned. 

Poe carefully kneeled to her level and tried to stay calm despite the streams of tears flowing down his face. He gently reached for her hands and she let him take them, despite her emotions vacillating between anger, sadness, and despair. 

He wrapped each hand with care while saying soothing words that gave her a false sense of security. _“You’re okay, Rey.” “Everything is alright.” “I got you, I promise.”_

_How could any of these things be true when he was abandoning her?_

Once he finished bandaging her hand, an awkward silence settled in -neither of them knew what to say to each other. So instead the silence blanketed the space, while Poe cradled one of her hands. He hung his head down in shame, clearly avoiding meeting her eyes, but she could still see the tracks of tears that had stained pathways onto his cheeks. 

_‘Need mate. Feel hurt…’_ Rey's hind brain whispered faintly. 

Her eyes widened, surprised by _that_ voice speaking up. It had been silent for weeks, but to hear it pleading alerted her to the situation at hand. She had to fight for her. 

She would not be controlled by her biology. She had independent thoughts and beliefs and she believed that soulmates are chosen. 

_Maybe_ his decision wasn’t final? _Maybe_ there was a sliver of hope left? 

“Poe, I’m begging you. Stay.” She blurted out, her voice cracking like a fragile porcelain doll. 

There was a pregnant pause and for a second she believed that he’d say what she wanted to hear. 

Instead, he gently placed her hand back on her lap. “You have a soulmate, Rey. Armitage didn’t tell me who, but he told me you had one.” 

She met his eyes and saw that he was resolute. 

He was serious. He wanted to leave her.

He was _choosing_ to leave her. 

Suddenly that feeling came back again - the adrenaline rush she felt when she fought Plutt. For a minute she’s transported to that moment. She could feel Plutt’s hands on her neck like a noose. She can’t breathe and she’s fighting for survival. She can feel her windpipe being crushed and she’s salvaging the last bit of herself that is a survivor to overpower him.

Rey could feel it, simmering at the surface. The self-preservation inside of her that said and did terrible things. She thought she had gotten a handle on it, but it was starting to rear its ugly head. 

All she could feel was rage and hurt and the need to _take_ something from him. 

He thought her having a soulmate would absolve him of his guilt. Well he was _wrong_ and she wanted him to hurt like she was hurting. 

“I’ve been stressed lately because I got _my_ results. Do you want to know who _my_ soulmate is?” 

He doesn’t answer her. 

And she? She couldn't tame the monster inside of her. 

“I don't have one. He’s dead.”


	8. 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive. Rough goal to finish this before the New Year. Wish me luck!

_“The Soulmate Choice movement has argued that the biological soulmate “system” is oppressive because it “takes away freewill”. However, numerous studies have shown that biological soulmates generally feel that accepting their mate was a choice.”_

_-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)_

Ben Solo was overwhelmingly emotional. Just like a few months ago, his hind brain was driving him up the wall. He kept feeling _everything_ so fully - like he was going to burst from all of the emotions crammed inside his overly large body. Everyday he went to work felt like _torture_. His emotions would ping pong from anxiety to sadness to shame in a constant loop. It was so bad that he could barely concentrate during meetings. 

During one of his client meetings, Mitaka had to bail him out by saying there was a “family emergency” and that they had to postpone. He desperately needed to take off from work, but Rey was also off for the week and he had to cover for her. And as much as he felt terrible, he knew he had to be there for her in his own way. 

Poe already told him about the breakup and Rey’s circumstances - and his heart ached for her. Ben knew what it was like to discover that your mate was dead. He himself had fallen off the deep end and it nearly cost him his life. It took very active therapy and the support from his grandparents and Poe to help him recover.

It still hurt to think of his mate, but he’d been working hard with Cassian to build his self-worth. He had to remind himself of what he had: a successful business, respect from the community, great grandparents, an awesome best friend...but he was still a work in progress. 

On the back burner was extending an olive branch to his parents - well, _one_ of his parents. Han had tried to reach out to him recently, but he ignored every single one of his calls. He also had to be social again - he’d lost touch with many of his friends, including Hux and Phasma, two of his closest friends. Cassian had been nagging him about that last one, but he argued that he also made new friends - like Rey, Finn and Rose.

From his experience and as far as he was concerned, Rey should take her time. In some ways, he felt that his recovery was rushed and she deserved to process slowly. He also wanted to make sure she was well-resourced. Ben was extremely lucky that he had people swoop in and help him, even after he tried to push them away. Rey was a good person and she deserved the support he had and more. 

He’d been meaning to reach out to her, but to be frank, he was nervous. Would it sound condescending? Just because they now shared a similar experience didn’t mean she wanted to hear from him...

Ben sighed and paused. His head began to fill with fog, so he knew he needed to slow down. Nothing good became of him whenever he jumped to conclusions. 

He let out a deep breath as he counted down, allowing him to concentrate on his breath. 

_Sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight, fifty-seven, fifty-five, fifty-four, fifty-three, fifty-two, fifty-one, fifty…_

The fogginess lifted just enough to get some clarity and one thing became very obvious: it’d be worse if he didn’t say anything at all. Ben knew what it was like to not hear from anyone. He didn’t want her to feel as if he didn’t care for her, because he did. They were friends - _stars above_ , friends. 

He never thought they would ever get to this place, but he was beyond grateful. Sure, Poe was the initial reason for them getting close, but now that they weren’t together it didn’t matter. Ben didn’t know how or why he felt this way - but it seemed like they were fated to be friends. 

Whenever they were together, things just made sense. 

There were those feelings certainly before, but now he didn’t feel so odd about it. Before it was jarring because they were colleagues, but now that they were friends, it felt right. They were meant to be two peas in a pod. Good friends. Hell, if Poe wasn’t his best friend, he’d certainly have her claim that title.

 _‘No - Rey is MATE!’_ His hind brain shouted, roaring to life. 

He groaned at the sound of it. It hadn’t been outwardly vocal this week, it was more so lingering in the background, amplifying his erratic feelings. 

The only reprieve from his intense emotions was sleep. 

He glanced at his clock for accountability and immediately wanted to smack himself after reading the time. It was eleven o’ clock. He needed to go to bed soon if he was planning on functioning at work. 

Ben turned off the living room light, not caring that it was slightly messy. He used to live in an opulent loft - stark furniture, muted colors, with tasteful modern art. It was a beautiful place to live, but it wasn’t him. It was cold, unwelcoming - it didn’t look like someone lived there. It was more like a museum that he slept in.

Now his place was a lot smaller. His condo had two and a half bedrooms, an open concept kitchen that flowed into a homey living room, and it was filled with decor that made him feel comfortable and warm. His walls were adorned with pieces from local artists, a few pictures from his childhood featuring him and Poe, and even some of his own drawings and paintings. 

As he walked upstairs, he passed by a picture of him and Poe spraying shaving cream at each other. He couldn’t help but smile - they were about ten and had big goofy grins plastered on with smudges of foam on their faces. 

He chuckled to himself and as he was opening his bedroom door - he heard a loud knock on the door.

His eyes immediately traveled down the stairs.

_Who could be visiting him at this hour?_

Ben quickly padded back downstairs with a bit of hesitation.

_Was he imagining things?_

He waited at the foot of the stairs, listening for any semblance of a knock. The only sound he heard was the ticking of his clock. He shook his head at himself, half annoyed that he was clearly hearing things, but too tired to mentally beat himself up.

Ben turned around, ready to climb back up the stairs, when the sound of three loud knocks echoed in his condo. 

_Knock, knock, knock._

He rushed back down, now in high alert.

_Was someone trying to rob him? Or maybe it was Poe or his grandparents? God forbid, his mom?_

He brushed those thoughts from his mind, because it made no sense. Poe promised to call beforehand whenever he had an emergency and his grandparent were very much the same. Most glaringly obvious, his mother had too much decorum and pride to ever show up at his door unannounced. 

He curved his back, slightly hunching over while he tiptoed with caution towards his door. On the way, he kicked open his broom closet that was slightly ajar and grabbed his old baseball bat. 

Just in case. 

_BANG._

Ben flinched at the sound as he tiptoed closer to his front door. He knew what he had to do - open the door and disarm whatever nefarious person was at his home. Perhaps it was foolish to abruptly open the door without being sure who was on the other side, but he opened it with a loud battle cry, his bat raised up ready to fight.

“Oh my god. Too loud.” A voice groaned.

He immediately lowered the bat, shocked at the sight in front of him.

Like she appeared from a fever dream was Rey. She was slumped over his doorstep, clearly out of it, and probably inebriated. She looked just like she did before the major presentation they had with Order 66. Her face was pale, bags were under her eyes, and her signature three-bun hairstyle was astray, dull, and lifeless. 

Instantly, he felt that pull again - compassion, care, lo--. Affection. _Yes_ , _affection_. 

It was overwhelming - all consuming even. So for once in his life, he didn’t think. He let his natural instinct take over. 

He approached her and crouched down eye level. With care, he tucked the stray strands behind her ears. 

“What do you need, sweetheart?“

She looked at him with glazed eyes and he swore she saw her expression liven as their gazes met. There was a palpable energy that he could not describe and he could not bear to look away from her. 

She reached out and cupped his cheek and he instantly froze. He wasn’t used to physical touch in general. And although they had embraced before, it was jarring. Though it felt utterly right, his sound mind was telling him that he shouldn’t cross any barriers. She was upset and clearly not sober, so it was on him to be responsible. 

He was about to gently back away from her when she let out a choked sob and wrapped her arms around him - locking him in her embrace. He stiffened again at the contact, knowing that he should back away, but he could not. Especially not when she was sobbing uncontrollably in his arms. 

With each sob, little pieces of him felt like they were shattering, so he held her tighter, soothing her with gentle brushes of his hand. . 

“Stay with me, please.” Rey sputtered out between hiccups. 

Ben wouldn’t deny her - not when she was completely distraught and sad. 

“I got you, sweetheart.” He whispered softly against her temple. 

Then in one fell swoop he lifted her into his arms and crossed the threshold into his apartment.


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Miracles do happen. Here's another chapter, with slightly less crying :)

_“When force bonded soulmates were first discovered, Sith Research Labs conducted unethical experiments on thousands of individuals. These experiments became known as Project Re-Education._

_Force bonded couples were forcibly split up and housed in cages with poor hygienic conditions. Hundreds of these individuals perished from a combination of unsanitary living conditions and the many hazardous “vaccines” that the research company distributed to them. Though the intent of their experiments is not officially known, it is rumored that they wanted to create a soulmate elimination vaccine.”_

_-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)_

Rey felt like she had been run over, backed up on, and run over again. 

Everything hurt. 

She rolled over to soothe the pain, but it didn’t help. Instead, a wave of nausea passed through her stomach coupled with throbbing head pain. She really should have been more careful last night. 

When Finn left her apartment she had been completely sober, but after a few hours, her hidden stash of bourbon became too much of a temptation. After a while she caved by sipping on a glass, but one glass became two, two became three, three became four, and she eventually lost track of how much she drank. 

She moaned into the satin sheets, basking in the softness to ease at least some of her discomfort. 

_Wait, satin?_

Rey _did not_ have satin sheets.

She bolted upright immediately, shocked that it didn’t register to her sooner that she was not in her home. Preparing for the worst, she lifted up the blanket to check her state of dress. 

She instantly breathed a sigh of relief. She was still in her lounge wear from last night. The only thing that wasn’t hers, were the oversized socks on her feet. Also, although she didn’t physically feel well, she didn’t feel any aches or pains where it mattered. 

So, where was she?

She looked around the room to search for clues. The dresser and side tables were a tasteful dark cedar and the satin sheets were cobalt blue. The walls were adorned with different landscapes drawn with charcoal and minimal pastel. There were no other photos or decorations, save for a pair of golden dice that hung inside a tiny display case on the dresser. 

Rey breathed in deeply to relax her mind. The intent was to relax, but instead her senses perked with recognition. She should feel embarrassed that she recognized it, but somehow she wasn’t ashamed at all.The room smelled like bergamot and coffee beans - it was comforting, it made her feel secure, and it was most certainly Ben. It meant that she was safe. 

_But how did she end up here?_

She thought back to the previous night and started to piece her blurry memory together. 

Finn finally visited her and they made up. There was yelling and tears, but ultimately they buried the hatchet. They were best friends, practically brother and sister - nothing was going to keep them mad at each other or away from each other for too long. They had an early dinner and he encouraged her to tell Ben. It was his parting words to her and it was the last sober thought she had in her mind. Everything after Finn left was hazy.

But telling Ben - that’s what stood out. As well as determination - fierce and strong and full of conviction. 

However in the sunlight, with the liquid courage gone, she didn’t feel brave. She was terrified to tell him. What if he hated her? What if he left forever? 

She had already been abandoned by her chosen mate.

She didn’t know what she would do if Ben left her too. 

* * *

After freshening up, she finally got the courage to go downstairs and leave. She knew it was likely that Ben had left because it was a weekday, but just in case, she wanted to slip past him. 

She tiptoed downstairs, expecting to not hear a peep, but there was light jazz music playing and a sultry baritone singing quietly along. There was also the scent of frying bacon, fresh coffee, and the buttery waft of homemade waffles. Her mouth instantly began to water. 

_Was this all for her?_

Rey walked towards the kitchen and peaked in. What she saw brought a goofy grin to her face. Ben was in low slung joggers and a white t-shirt, whimsically singing along to Sinatra’s vocals. He was also dancing while flipping bacon and as he flipped the bacon, his shirt would ride up slightly, showing just the beginning of his tight abs. She wondered what it would look like if he stretched just a bit more...

She giggled at her thoughts. 

_Loudly._

Ben immediately froze and she saw the tips of his ears turn red in real time. He turned off the stove and paused the music. With his free hand, he ran his fingers through his hair and looked at the floor like a little boy who got caught stealing candy.

She felt overwhelmed with emotion seeing him like _that_. It felt like her heart was going to burst, so she forced herself to say something. “Good morning, boss man.” She said quietly. 

He responded with silence, causing her to feel nervous. So she did the only natural thing and started to babble. “I hope the bacon and waffles are all for me, Solo.”

Ben looked up shyly, and let out a melodic laugh and the most warm smile. It was the kind of smile that he rarely gave. His dimples were showing and endearing crinkles formed by his golden brown eyes. He looked beautiful. 

And she? She felt utterly tongue tied. 

“If it wasn’t clear, Kenobi- we’re both off today.” 

Saving her from babbling again, he gestured to the stools by his kitchen island. She sat down at the stool and her stomach let out an embarrassing growl.

On cue the toaster popped open, revealing perfectly toasted bread. 

She squinted and noticed it was the fancy kind - like focaccia or artisanal sourdough. Her stomach grumbled again and he chuckled. He put the toast on a plate and slid it over to her. 

“This should tide you over.” He said with a smile. 

Minutes later, Ben filled the counter with an even bigger spread than she anticipated: smashed avocado, a veggie omelette oozing with cheese, the crispy bacon that she saw him frying up earlier, a handful of beignets, and her personal favorite - waffles. 

Her eyes gleamed with delight as she zeroed in on the waffles. They were filled with chocolate and peanut butter chips.

Her heart melted just a little bit as the realization dawned on her. 

“How did you know?”

Ben sat down across from her and raised an eyebrow. 

“What?”

“Chocolate and peanut butter chip waffles...they’re my favorite.”

Something flashed through his eyes, but in a second it disappeared. He cleared his throat as he served himself half the omelette. 

“You pick out the peanut butter cups when we have the variety pack at work.” He said casually. 

She was about to brush it off, but a minute later, like a practiced routine, he poured himself plain black coffee and prepped her mug with three sugars and a dash of cinnamon before giving it a stir. 

Her heart wrenched - it wasn’t just a casual observance. 

For some reason he didn’t want to admit it, but she knew deep down in her core, that Ben had been paying attention. How long had he seen her? And why did she not notice until now? 

He’d gotten her coffee in the past and she couldn't believe she didn’t notice that he got it right every time. Though, now that she thought about it, he always got the details of her preferences right. From her preferred portfolio colors to the way she liked her papers collated. He always got every single detail correct. 

Her eyes started to water at the epiphany. 

Ben reached over the counter to wipe her burgeoning tear. 

“Are the waffles that bad?” He joked. 

She shook her head and gave him a watery smile as she took a bite of her waffle. She didn’t want to talk. If she did - she knew the word vomit would come out. 

He’d know the truth and he’d hate her.

She shoveled the food down - anything to avoid conversation. Her stomach protested, but she’d do anything to buy time. 

* * *

As she bit into the third to last bite of her waffle, Ben cleared his throat. 

“Are you okay?” He asked her, obviously picking up that something was wrong. 

She wanted to be truthful, but she felt herself ducking and dodging internally. Her heart was beating so fast. So much had become apparent in the last hour and she didn’t know what to think. Her mind and her heart were at odds with each other. 

“As good post break up as to be expected.” She said evenly. 

Ben looked down and played with the omelette on his plate...like he was nervous. 

“I meant about not having a soulmate.” He said quietly, as his eyes flitted up to gaze at her. 

Rey swallowed and met his gaze. She wanted to tell him. She really did. And it was the perfect moment. They were friends and he was so caring and loving, but the saboteur in her was screaming loudly.

And fear always won with her. 

“I’ve come to terms with it.” 

Ben nodded, taking in her words. 

“You were pretty distraught about it last night.” He pressed. 

He saw her wince, so he paused. Hesitantly, he reached forward to hold her hand. The vulnerability in his eyes made her want to cry all over again.

“It’s only been a week Rey. Processing takes a really long time and I want you to know that I’m there for you and that you deserve the best as you recover.”

His soothing words broke the emotional dam in her. Tears started streaming down her face and she hiccuped through the sobs she was trying to hold back. 

He let go of her hand and she whimpered at the loss of contact. She instantly felt shame flood her body - _had she scared him away?_

A sob escaped her mouth as strong arms wrapped around her. “I’m here, Rey. You’re okay, you’re safe.”

She buried her face into his chest and continued to wail. It’s like all of the weeks of frustration were being forced out of her body - self-hatred, confusion, abandonment, lo- affection. It all was swirling together in a furious storm inside of her. 

As if sensing that storm inside of her, Ben soothed her back. Somehow that broke her more. 

Here he was, being the best possible friend and here she was - a _coward_. A coward with a laundry list of issues that made her incapable of being honest. 

She wanted to continue burying her face in his chest to buy some time, but he gently pushed her away so that he could talk to her. 

“I don’t know if it’s my place Rey, but I have the contact for Dr. Erso. She’s a friend of my therapist and she specializes in soulmate grief.” 

He looked hesitant to continue, so she gave him a reassuring nod and he continued. “Would you like her contact?”

A million thoughts rushed through her mind. Like the fact that Finn had been begging her to go to therapy and the constant guilt she felt for being a coward. She also flashed back to a slew of other things. Like her childhood trauma and her attachment to Poe that part of her was still hanging onto. 

She wanted to be a strong enough person for him. She needed to be.

“Or not - you can totally say no. Now I’ve messed it all up -”

“No you haven’t.” She interrupted. “You’re helping me...thank you.” 

He gave her a small smile and she felt a bit of confidence flood through her. Maybe he would be forgiving once she figured out how to tell him. 

“And to think it only took us two years and a breakup to become friends.” He said to lighten the mood. 

She returned his small smile with one of her own. “In all seriousness Ben, thank you for taking care of me...the referral, being my friend.”

Ben didn’t say a word. He just pulled her back into his embrace and that’s when she felt it. A glimmer, a spark at her fingertips, something she wasn’t used to feeling - hope.


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last, here is chapter 10! Enjoy.

_ “The Palpatine Brotherhood, a right wing faction of the Soulmate Choice movement, are vocal supporters of continuing Project Re-Education. They were largely regarded as “fringe activists”, but with the election of President Snoke, their movement has gained traction.”  _

-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)

_ 2 Months Later _

The fluttering in Rey’s stomach was out of control. She had butterflies. Beautifully brilliant blue butterflies dancing in her insides.

And this time she wasn’t afraid of them.

When Ben and her first became friends, she did not want to come to terms with what she was feeling. It wasn’t just the soulmate high - it was joy. Pure, unadulterated joy. 

She felt like she could be herself around him. A fact that had been true for longer than she cared to admit. There was always that spark - that underlying attraction and magnetism that she chose to ignore because she was so focused on Poe. 

It wasn’t just because they were soulmates and therapy helped her realize that. Dr. Erso was patient and objectively explained the facts. Soulmates were drawn to each other because it was in their DNA. However, attraction, affection, and love...those things were entirely left up to the mates. It wasn’t something that was pre-determined solely because they were mates.

So everything that she had felt prior to everything was real. The warmness she felt when Ben was feigning being stern when they would work late nights. The way her breath would hitch when they would accidentally graze each other’s hands when they were sifting through papers. The way she would hold in her laughter when Ben was trying to make a lame joke. 

It was her pure, unadulterated feelings. That fact alone, made her feel at ease.  _ It made her feel ready. _

She had been working with Dr. Erso for the past few weeks and she finally had the courage to tell him. She had it set in her mind - she was going to tell him tomorrow. 

Tonight, she had to focus on Ben’s surprise birthday party and she didn’t want anything to detract from the celebration. She’d been planning it for weeks and it was coming together beautifully. She rented out Kanata’s and worked with Finn, Rose, and to her surprise, Poe to plan. They hadn’t spoken or anything, but she directed Finn to coordinate with him. 

It was a small but necessary step towards her healing. Plus, he was important to Ben. 

She had even gotten in contact with Han, Ben’s father. Ben and Han recently started to see each other for weekly dinners and it seemed as if their fences were slowly but surely being mended. They were certainly mended enough that Ben thought he was going to dinner with Han tonight for his birthday. Little did he know that this dinner was actually his surprise party. 

It was going to be a perfect night, she was sure of it. Ben was turning 31, and he was going to see just how many people loved and cared for him. 

Ben often described himself as friendless, but from her conversations with Finn, she knew better. Finn heard from Poe that Ben grew distant from many of his friends because of his long healing process and frankly because of the fact that he pushed them away. The fact of the matter was that his friends were eager to be back in touch but were unsure how to approach it. 

After tonight, he would know and be validated. 

_ He was loved. _

* * *

Rey had arrived hours early to Kanata’s to make sure everything was perfect. Much to the annoyance of Finn and Rose, she wouldn’t stop fussing over the tiniest of details. She had readjusted the streamers five different times, rearranged the order of the buffet twice, and changed the set up of chairs and tables more times than they could count.

She was about to fix one more thing, but Rose stopped her. 

“Rey, you need to relax.” She soothed as she put her hands on top of hers. 

Rey let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding in and nodded. “I just want everything to be perfect.”

“And everything will be!” The jovial voice of Finn chirped.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and squeezed. “Almost all of the guests are here and the place looks great.”

Out of nervous habit, Rey chewed on her lip in worry. She wanted everything to be perfect, not great. 

Ben deserved the world and she wanted it to be amazing.

“Don’t be nervous. Everything looks beautiful. He’s gonna love it.” Rose insisted. 

She was worried for a multitude of reasons. She wanted everything to be perfect for Ben and there was a tiny part of her that was afraid she was wrong.

_ What if she wasn’t ready? What if she still felt something for Poe? _

As if the universe was ripping the band-aid off, Poe waltzed in with a tall blonde woman with kind eyes. She observed that they were in sync with each other, almost flowing like a seamless unit. 

_ Were her and Ben like that?  _

Finn looked over at her with worry, but Rose swooped in to lighten the mood. 

“You and Ben are cuter.” 

Just like that Poe and Amilyn were temporarily forgotten. She let out an embarrassingly loud laugh. “We are the cutest.”

As her laughter came to a steady, she realized something profound. 

She felt nothing. Nothing at all. No twinge of jealousy or sharpness of pain in her chest. There was no longing or sadness.

_ There was just relief. _

She felt so overwhelmingly free from that realization that her eyes started to water. She sniffled and grabbed a napkin off the table abruptly, much to Rose and Finn’s concern. 

“Do you need me to give him a piece of my mind, Rey?” Finn asked.

She looked over at the happy couple and shook her head. “It’s hard to explain, but I’m relieved.”

Her best friend smiled at her with encouragement and Rose nodded in understanding. She felt so supported that she felt overwhelmed with emotion again. Tears started to form in her eyes and that’s when Rose took action. 

Her friend gently took the napkin from her hand and dabbed underneath her eyes. “Let me help. You don’t want Ben to see you looking like a raccoon.” She teased. 

Rose spent a few minutes cleaning up Rey’s makeup, which ironically filled her with more emotion and some more tears. “You look great, Rey. Now, no more tears. It’s time to make that announcement.”

Finn glanced at his watch. “Yup, it’s about time. Han should be getting here with Ben in ten minutes.”

Rey composed herself and headed to the center of the room. Only then was she able to admire the hard work she put in. 

Kanata’s looked even more enchanting that evening with the added touches that screamed celebration - golden streamers, intricate displays of petit fours that Ben secretly loved, and photos from his childhood that Maz displayed in different parts of the room. There was also a chalkboard at the front where guests posted their favorite pictures and memories of Ben. 

The most important thing was the people that had gathered. She had assembled everyone with the help of Finn, Rose, and Poe, but Ben had also been slowly reconnecting with friends over the past few months. He’d been prioritizing getting lunch with a slew of friends he had lost touch with and it seemed that had paid off in droves. The room was packed and the chalkboard at the front, barely had any room left on it. 

She was proud and she couldn’t wait till Ben saw it all. 

“Everyone! Ben will be here in ten minutes. I’m gonna turn off the lights so be ready to yell surprise. Maz is on deck with Ben’s cake.”

The crowd cheered and Rey beamed. 

He was gonna be so happy.

* * *

Everyone found their places in the room in anticipation of Ben’s arrival. Rey had shut the lights minutes ago and it was really difficult to see anything that indicated there was a party. 

On cue, she heard the tell tale pattern of Ben’s heavy footsteps climbing up the stairs to the rooftop restaurant. 

“Dad, it’s dark as hell. Maybe they’re closed.” 

“I just spoke to Maz on the phone. It’s open kid” Han said gruffly. 

Ben’s sigh was audible as he reached the top of the stairs. He noticed that everything was dark and put his hands up in annoyance. 

“Let’s just go home, I don’t want to get arrested for breaking and entering.”

Han smacked his son’s arm. “Shut up, Benjamin. Just wait.”

“You mean wait to be arrest--”

Before they could continue bickering, the lights came on. 

“Surprise!” Everyone yelled. 

Ben’s jaw dropped as he took in the room. Everyone that he loved was there and everything was carefully put together. He noticed the pictures of himself scattered across the room, the decorations, and finally he noticed the chalkboard of memories. He read through a few quickly and his eyes began to water. 

“Oh my god.”

Everyone laughed and the widest smile appeared on his face. 

“Happy birthday, Solo!” A few voices shouted.

He made his way inside the restaurant and started to greet everyone. Hugs were exchanged and he looked joyous. That’s when Rey emerged with a beautifully lit cake in her hands - confetti cake with fresh strawberry buttercream. The cake that he said was a secret favorite between him and his father. 

“Happy birthday to you…” She began to sing as she approached him.

Folks joined in singing and all Ben could do was stare at her. She presented the cake to him proudly and his eyes met hers. She could make out the honey in his eyes under the glow of the candles. She ached to brush her hand upon his hair, right by the tips of his ears that he was so embarrassed by. 

_ Gosh, he looked handsome.  _

“Happy birthday, Ben.” She whispered softly.

He smiled at her. The crooked, beautiful, perfect smile that she swore was only reserved for her. 

Rey’s eyes moved to his dimples, but before she could get more distracted Ben spoke. 

“What should I wish for, Kenobi?”

“Whatever makes you happy, Ben.”

“Okay.” He said almost inaudibly. 

His eyes never left hers, as he leaned forward to blow out the candles. Applause filled the room and Rey could feel herself start to flush. The weight of his stare was starting to make her sweat. 

“I—I’m gonna slice up some cake.”

She tried to scurry away, but he gently grabbed her elbow. 

“Thank you.”

She could feel her mouth start to dry. 

“So, strawberry buttercream - how’d you know?” 

His honey eyes darkened and she wanted to burst into flames. “I pay attention sometimes, you know?” 

He rubbed his thumb gently across her skin. “I know.”

Before they could continue, his friends started to swarm him with hugs. She took this as a moment to sneak out to slice. 

She was nearly there when she caught Amilyn’s eyes. 

“Rey, can we talk?”

She was taken aback. Rey hadn’t even said a word to Poe in months and now his partner, his mate was asking to speak to him? 

Rey paused like Dr. Erso had directed her to do so when she felt overwhelmed. 

Poe’s mate just wanted to talk. She was secure in her feelings.  _ She was not in love with Poe. _

“Yes, of course. Do you want to join me in slicing cake? 

Amilyn nodded and the two disappeared in the kitchen. Rey immediately got to work, while Amilyn assisted. It was weirdly not awkward at all, much to her relief. They hit a steady rhythm and Amilyn was telling her stories about Ben as a teenager as she plopped each mouthwatering slice onto a plate.

Though it wasn’t uncomfortable, she wasn’t naive. She knew Amilyn wanted to talk to her for a reason. “I love these stories, Amilyn... but is there something you wanted to tell me?” 

The blonde’s crystalline eyes softened, as she fixed a slouchy strawberry on a slice. 

She let out a shaky breath and turned to Rey, making sure that she was making direct eye contact. “I’m sorry Rey. I had stayed away from Poe for years, but then he...” Her voice trailed off, as if she was composing herself.

“I never wanted to cause anyone pain.” 

Rey dropped her cake knife, and reached over to pat Amilyn’s arm. “Really. Don’t apologize. It was the best for both of us.” 

Even though she had come to terms with it and had told Dr. Erso and Finn - it felt different telling someone who she was not close to. What was also shocking to her, was how true the statement felt. There wasn’t an ounce of her that wished she could still be with Poe. She truly thought it was best that they weren’t together. 

Rey was so caught up in her thoughts, that she didn’t notice that Amilyn started crying. What brought her back to the earth was when a soft sob escaped the older woman’s mouth.

As the sob registered in her mind, she reached for Amilyn’s hand and gave her a reassuring smile. “It was his choice and even though it was hard to accept. I understand.”

“Thank you for saying that, Rey.” 

Rey handed Amilyn a napkin, which she gladly took to wipe her eyes. “Now, let’s get back to the party. The birthday boy is waiting.”

* * *

“Cake is ready!” Rey hollered at the crowd as they both exited the kitchen with handfuls of cake.

The ravenous guests headed towards the food table, where Amilyn was serving up slices with additional whipped cream. She gave her a thumbs up and Rey gave her one back. 

It was a simple gesture, but it was reassuring. She was okay. 

_ They were all gonna be okay. _

She looked around for Ben to make sure he got a slice, but he was nowhere to be seen. She furrowed her eyebrow and did a second circle around. That’s when she saw him making a beeline to her. 

He had the most panicked look in his eyes as he approached her. His hands immediately went to her arms as he searched her eyes for any sign of hurt. “Is everything alright? Did Amilyn...” 

Before he could continue, she shushed him and steadied her hands on his forearms. “Everything is fine, love. Now enjoy the party!”

A blush creeped up his cheek at the usage of the pet name. It had started to become a habit about two weeks ago and Rey stopped feeling shy about it days ago. 

The panic left his eyes and the grip on her arms loosened. “Are you sure, sweetheart?”

She nodded furiously and shooed him away towards his guests. “Yes - now go mingle! You see me everyday.”

“Okay, Rey.” He said as another person yelled ‘Hey, Solo!’ for the umpteenth time that night. 

She tilted her head and gestured to where the bulk of guests were. They had started to play beer pong and Maz and Han were winning. “I’ll catch you later, okay?” 

He gave her a soft smile before he turned away to follow the exciting hollers of his friends. 

* * *

The night went perfectly. Ben was laughing, joking, and smiling all night. It was a complete one eighty from the boss that she came to know. He showed the part of himself that she always saw in tiny glimpses. Someone who was unassumingly funny, quietly kind, and sardonically jovial. He had finally let some of his walls down. 

_ So this is what it felt like to see your soulmate happy. _

The night was winding down and she was content hanging by the food table, watching Ben laugh at one of Finn’s jokes. His laughter was like music to her ears, so it felt good to just silently observe. 

“Being in love suits you.” A familiar voice said. 

She stiffened at the sound and felt the irritation creeping up her neck. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You love him.” Poe said simply. 

Rey turned to her ex-boyfriend and rolled her eyes. This was typical of Poe. Yes, he was a good partner, but he also had a lot of qualities that made him infuriating. Case in point, him making bold statements and not caring how the person would react. He was so brash and unapologetic that it caused many of their fights in the past. 

“Just because I like Amilyn, doesn’t mean I’m ready to have your arrogant arse in my face.” 

An amused expression flooded his face. “Okay, Reyna. Whatever you say. I was just stating a fact.”

There was a pause because she was at a loss for words. This should have been one of the most incredibly awkward or dramatic moments of her life, but she felt as light as she did when she first saw him with Amilyn. 

She was free. 

There would always be a part of her that cared for Poe, but it was just like what Dr. Erso and her worked out in therapy. Being with Poe was comfortable and easy. It’s why she thought she was in love with him and why they were together for so long. There was never passion or heat in their interactions. It was simply comfy - like a sweater you liked to wear once in a while or perhaps for a season or even a few years. 

But  _ not _ forever.

“Well, Kenobi?” He pushed. 

“Shut up. I’m not going to dignify your statement with an answer.”

He put his hands up in defeat and relented. 

“Thanks for planning this. He’s really happy.” Poe observed. 

Ben was gesticulating to Han, who had joined his conversation with Finn. Ben said something that was clearly hysterical, because Finn started to double over laughing. As he laughed, Rose joined the group and poked Ben in the cheek and he stuck his tongue out at her. 

“Yeah, he is.”

The exes stopped talking from there - both content with watching the person that they cared about the most, finally let go of the stress and tension he put upon himself. 

* * *

Before she knew it, the party was nearly over and folks were saying their goodbyes and shuffling out the door. Ben was seeing people off by the entrance and she was ready to tell Han, Finn, and Rose to go home, but the trio stopped her.

“Really, Rey? You’re gonna clean up this whole damn restaurant yourself?” 

They all looked at her pointedly and she quickly decided that she didn’t have the energy to fight it. They all cared about Ben, so it made sense that they were insistent on helping. Or as Dr. Erso kept reminding her, she had to allow people to help her. 

She sighed and relented. “Okay. Han and Rose, can you clear the tables and put the trash in the designated bins that Maz labeled?” 

Han gestured towards the tables. “Alright, Rosie - it’s you and me!” 

“Okay, Mr. Solo.” 

“Mr. Solo? Please don’t.”

Rose handed him a trash bag and smiled. “Okay,  _ Han _ .” 

“Finn, wanna help me in the kitchen?” Rey asked.

“Sure thing, captain!” 

Finn looped his arms in hers and the pair walked down a half flight of stairs to the kitchen. Finn practically pushed her inside and let out the biggest squeal. He grabbed her hands and started to twirl her across the kitchen. 

“Rachel Niima you really outdid yourself!” He yelled as he spun her around. 

They both were laughing and smiling giddily as they continued to dance, when the sound of glass shattering interrupted their celebration.

Finn and her both turned around and saw Ben’s figure at the door. His back was hunched over and gone was the big smile he had on all night. In its place was a frown that she was unfortunately far more familiar with. It was somewhat similar to the expression he had on when a client was more demanding than usual. Except this expression held emotional weight. His eyes were stormy and it looked like he was trembling. 

She could feel their bond pulsing and she was overwhelmed with what she felt: heartbreak, sadness, and grief. 

Rey let go of Finn’s hand and steadied herself on the table as she tried to process the emotions. 

_ Why was he feeling this way? What went wrong? Did he fight with Han? _

“Hey birthday boy, let me clean that up.” Finn said immediately, temporarily breaking the tension in the room. 

Ben didn’t say a word. His eyes were downcast and now he was visibly trembling. Finn started to approach Ben, but he stopped him by raising his hand. 

“What did you call her?” He practically whispered. 

“Rachel Niima. Old habits.” Finn said nervously, not realizing his mistake. 

It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop in the room. Ben’s eyes met hers and she felt his emotions loud and clear: betrayal. A tear immediately slipped down her cheek as Finn’s expression went from shock to horror.

That’s when the panic in her went in overdrive. 

_ Ben knew. _

She wouldn’t be able to tell him on her own terms. She was going to lose him.

Before she could spring into action, Ben hurled the champagne bottle, causing Rey to flinch.The bottle instantly shattered and he stormed out the door. 

“Ben, wait!” Rey shouted as she ran after him, not caring if she cut her feet on glass. 

Finn tried to stop her, but she wrestled out of his grip and immediately went after Ben. He was dashing down the stairs quickly, but she would not let him out of her sight. 

She kept screaming his name because he needed to hear that she wasn’t letting him go. That she  _ wanted _ to explain and make things right. 

Her thoughts were moving so rapidly and her heart felt like it was being ripped out of her chest, but she had to focus. She always knew it was a possibility that he’d have a bad reaction, but she was not prepared for him to accidentally find out. She’d run through all the scenarios with Dr. Erso. She’d even written different versions of it down and practiced her speech many times. 

She felt utterly lost, but she hoped the right words would come out correctly, because she couldn’t lose him.

“Please, stop!” She pleaded, as he rounded the corner towards the exit.

She was so out of breath and so was he, because his form wavered. She took it as a chance to catch up to him. Once she reached his side he curled over and put his hand on the wall as if he needed to cling on to something to stay composed. 

Her hands instantly went to his free hand to comfort him. It had worked in the past to sooth him, but he didn’t reciprocate. His hand was lifeless in hers, but she still clung to it desperately like a lifeline.

There was a pregnant pause and all that could be heard was his unsteady breathing and the sound of her sniffling through her tears.

“How long?” He said slowly. 

He turned away from the wall and forcefully removed his hands from hers. Her breath hitched and she was frozen. Her thoughts raced again, but she couldn’t find the right words to say. 

Ben didn’t leave her room to think. 

“I SAID, HOW LONG REY?” He yelled as he put his hands against the wall, essentially caging her in. 

“Answer me, right now.” He asked, his voice now desperately soft. “Please.”

“I-I don’t know exactly.” She stuttered out. “Maybe four months, give or take.” 

He hung his head in shame and Rey wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. 

“You didn’t want me.” He said as he lifted his head. 

“And this...” He gestured up to the event space. “Was pity.”

“Or am I a consolation prize?”

He backed away from her, turning away and running his fingers through his hair like he always did when he was anxious. 

He laughed bitterly. “Am I so unbearable?”

She knew he was furious at her but she wanted to comfort him. Despite her better judgement she wrapped her arms around his middle and buried her face into his backside. 

“I was a coward.” She choked out.

He took her arms and gently but firmly pushed her away. 

Ben turned around, being sure to look her directly in the eyes. 

“You’re a monster...” He said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. 

“And I never want to see you again.”

He turned away and ran out the door, leaving Rey sobbing by the exit. 

He was right. 

She was a monster.


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay on this! Seems like I'm on a chapter a month kind of streak. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this chapter. It's Ben's birthday party, but this time we're seeing it from his perspective.

_ “Contrary to popular belief, soulmates do not inherently love each other. Love, friendship, and affection is something that needs to happen naturally. For that reason, some soulmates live apart, but agree to see each other solely for medical reasons.”  _

-Jedi Scientifics, “Analysis of Soulmates”, Version 2020 (excerpt)

Apparently Ben was all aglow according to Cassian - or, to put it in his exact words, he was “glowy, smiley, and shit.” 

The thing is, he couldn’t deny it. He was “glowy” because he was starting to feel better about himself - waking up with purpose, walking with a spring in his step, and feeling lighter. Cassian had lowered his antidepressant dosage and he began to tick some new things off his goal list. He was starting to see friends that he lost touch with, he finally answered his father’s calls and they were beginning to repair their relationship, and he was being less surly and rigid around his employees. 

_ And...he was almost positive that he was in love. _

It felt strange to admit it to himself but he was certain. Ben had been through several types of relationships - flings, one’s of convenience, and even political relationships. He’d even come to care for many of his partners, but there was always something missing. He couldn’t put his finger on it until he finally let his walls down with  _ her. _

Being with her felt like being completely and utterly himself. He was comfortable, freer, and incandescently happy. There was no mask on. He didn’t have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t (like he was with his family) or put on a hardened front (like he did for work). He didn’t have to be anyone but himself - flaws and all.

He exhaled as he looked at the slight indentation on the left side of his bed.  _ Her side _ .

Her staying over was fairly new. It all started about a month and a half ago, during their weekend ritual. Every Saturday they would meet up for brunch, hang out at Dejarik (a vintage arcade), and then spend the rest of the day hanging out at his apartment. They would do a myriad of things. Sometimes, she’d kick back and read a book while he sketched. Other times they’d lounge around and binge-watch a new show on Netflix. Though no matter what their schedule was during the day, it always ended with them making dinner together and spending hours talking into the night. 

At first, she would force away her sleepiness and drive back home. Then it transitioned to her staying in his guest room. Then a few weeks ago things changed. She had a night terror and he couldn’t bear to leave her alone. 

He could still remember her trembling voice as she started to come out of it.

_ ‘Please don’t go.’ _

He held her in his arms until she fell asleep. When he tried to disentangle himself from her embrace, she clung to him desperately. So he fell asleep, wrapped up tightly in her lithe arms. 

Since then it was an unspoken rule. Once they declared it was lights out, she’d wordlessly follow him into his bedroom and they’d fall asleep on opposite sides of his bed. She often scrunched herself into a ball when they both fell asleep, but in the middle of the night, she’d eventually migrate over to his side and wrap her arms around his waist. 

Ben knew that this changed things. They had crossed a line. Before they were boss and employee with a friendship - nothing that would be considered inappropriate by human resources. But now, their friendship had evolved into something else. An undeniable physical and romantic intimacy. 

They had reached this bizarre limbo of not being together but acting like it. They continued to use pet names (love and sweetheart), they made plans that no longer centered around their relationship with shared friends, and they talked about their future that was years away. They also frequently embraced, held hands, and exchanged kisses on the forehead, cheeks, and even some that were dangerously close to each other’s lips. 

The line was clearly crossed and he wanted to have an honest and truthful conversation.

After dinner with his father, he was going to be brave and tell the truth that had been in his heart for longer than he cared to admit: he was in love with Rey Kenobi. 

* * *

His father was acting strange. Yeah, their relationship was still fragile and beginning to repair, but conversation still flowed easily even when there were tense moments. Now, he was uncharacteristically silent  _ and _ he kept checking his phone as they were walking to Kanata’s.

Ben hadn’t spoken to his father in years, but one thing was still true: Han hated cell phones. He thought they were a pain in the ass and would have preferred a flip phone if his mother hadn’t nagged him so much. Constant communication wasn’t his favorite thing as well - which is why it was strange that he kept texting.

“Dad, is there something you need to tell me?” He said, stopping right before the staircase that led up to Kanata’s.

Han swiped his fingers through his hair and shook his head, which caused him to narrow his eyes. He inherited that quirk from him, so he knew something was wrong. 

Ben was working on it, but he couldn’t help but go to the worst case scenario - it wouldn’t be the first time that Han disappointed him. 

“Is mom up there?” He blurted out.

His father’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Son, no. Absolutely not. I know I’m still on thin ice.”

“But, why are you acting so weird?”

The old man chuckled and patted Ben lovingly on the shoulder. “If I recall, you once told me that and I quote, “will always be a weirdo.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I was twelve.” He answered flatly.

“Well then don’t mind me, let’s head up.” His father replied, with that signature twinkle in his eyes.

Ben was skeptical, but like his father told him when he was young: eventually, lies will come to the surface.

* * *

The climb up to Kanata’s had the same air of strangeness. For one, his father was still acting fidgety. He was also eerily quiet and kept checking his phone for notifications. It was dark, but he swore he could see a slight tremble as Han tried to discreetly answer his text messages.

They were just starting to trust build and everything in him screamed to call him out, but Cassian’s voice was stronger in his head. 

_ ‘There’s still wounds, Solo. Be patient and understand that your old man will also take some time.’  _

He let out an impatient sigh and focused on climbing up the long flight of stairs. Usually, they’d be able to see the tell tale signs of the twinkly lights but it was so dark, like Kanata’s was closed or something.

“Dad, it’s dark as hell. Maybe they’re closed.” 

“I just spoke to Maz on the phone. It’s open, kid” Han said gruffly. 

Ben couldn’t help but get that skin crawly feeling. Something was wrong and he couldn’t stand for it any longer. They had reached the top of the stairs and it was still pitch black. 

“Let’s just go home, I don’t want to get arrested for breaking and entering.”

Han huffed at him, but he stood his ground, glaring at his father with the force that only an Organa was capable of. 

They were at a standstill and he was so damn annoyed, that he was about to start yelling at his father. 

As if sensing his incoming barrage, his father lightly smacked his arm to bring him back to reality.  “Shut up, Benjamin. Just wait.”

“You mean wait to be arrest--”

Before this could turn into a full fledged fight, the lights of Kanata’s suddenly came up, catching him completely off guard. 

“Surprise!” The sound of delighted voices chorused. 

Everything was happening so fast, that he couldn’t catch up. His senses were fully overloaded by what was going on and as his eyes adjusted to the light, his mouth formed a small ‘O’. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing and hearing. Everyone that was important to him was smiling brightly and cheering at his arrival: friends that he had lost touch with, friendships that he recently rekindled, his Naberrie cousins, Finn, Rose, Poe, his Auntie Amilyn…The restaurant was also carefully decorated with gold streamers, a wall full of messages and pictures from his childhood.

He exhaled as wetness blurred his vision. As a small tear escaped from his eye, his father firmly gripped his shoulder and gave him an encouraging shake. 

The weirdness, the silence, the texts, it all added up. His father wanted to surprise him with this celebration. A flush of warmth filled his being as that realization settled in. His father was trying. 

Ben brushed away the fallen tear and looked immediately for her - the one person that could comfort him and make him feel grounded. He closed his eyes, waiting for his instinct, no - that invisible string that always led him to her. 

He opened his eyes and that’s when he saw her from afar, disappearing into the kitchen. 

A sense of relief washed over him. She was here, that’s all that mattered. 

_ And _ his friends were all here to be with him. 

“Oh my god.” He said out loud, causing his friends to laugh. 

Immediately he felt his mouth form into that unfamiliar shape. His natural instinct was to deter it from happening, but his joy won out. He was smiling and he couldn’t help it. Though he was usually embarrassed by his crooked teeth, nothing could undo the happiness he was feeling at this moment. 

“Happy birthday, Solo!” A few voices shouted.

With a spring in his step, he went out into the crowd and greeted everyone. At every turn, he was smothered with hugs, high fives, and comforting touches. He was sure that he was quite the picture - a six foot three refrigerator of a man, melting at hugs and the teasing he was receiving from his friends. Somehow he didn’t care quite so much anymore. 

Channelling Cassian, he assured himself:  _ he should be allowed to feel happy _ . 

As soon as that thought passed through his mind, he felt the tug of that invisible string. Like whiplash, his attention was immediately turned towards the kitchen. 

That’s when he heard her voice.

“Happy birthday to you…” Her light soprano voice sang out. 

Like a chaotic choir, his friends started singing loudly and off key, but all he could focus on was the sight in front of him. Rey was a vision in sunflower print - bouncy chestnut curls, rosy pink lips, and what looked like a halo of light dusted across her cheeks. 

She was carefully holding a confetti cake that he was almost certain was filled with fresh strawberry buttercream. His heart warmed at the thought - she had been listening. He’d mention it in passing a few weeks ago when they were at  Dejarik playing pinball and he didn’t think anything of it. 

It was his special cake that he used to share with his father. He didn’t know when the tradition started, but much to the horror of his mother who was raised with a silver spoon in her mouth, one day Han bought boxed cake mix, canned buttercream and strawberries and they made it together. Ben loved it and it continued to be his comfort cake whenever he needed a boost of serotonin as a kid. It was one of the handful of fond childhood memories he had of his father. 

Ben remembered saying that he was craving it and now that he thought about it, Rey did have a glint in her eyes as she nodded along to his story.

Maybe Rey  _ did _ feel the same way as him. 

Next thing he knew, her eyes flitted up and their gazes aligned. It felt like nothing existed around them except each other. He wished he could freeze this moment in time because under the glow of the candlelight, it became even more clear to him how much he loved her. 

How lucky was he to have this gift of a second chance. Ben thought all was lost when he learned Rachel had passed away, but fate turned out to not be so cruel. All of that suffering was just a chapter in his life and now he could move forward and allow himself to love. 

“Happy birthday, Ben.” She whispered softly.

He felt like he was about to burst as the force of a smile tugged up on his cheeks.

“What should I wish for, Kenobi?”

“Whatever makes you happy, Ben.”

_ You.  _

“Okay.” He replied as he gently blew out the candles, all the while keeping his eyes on the most important thing in his life.

Even though it was dark, he saw the tell tale flush dust her cheeks and the most primal part of him growled in satisfaction. 

_ Mine. _

“I—I’m gonna slice up some cake.” She stuttered out.

This was classic Rey. Whenever she did anything particularly sweet, she always made an excuse to run away. He understood it, he felt the same. But maybe it was time to stop running away and face the feelings that had been building for god knows how long.

Before she could scurry off, he gently grabbed her elbow. “Thank you.” 

Her blush went from light pink to furiously red and he could sense that she was tongue-tied. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but tease her some more. 

“So, strawberry buttercream - how’d you know?”

“I pay attention sometimes, you know?” She said defensively. 

He rubbed his thumb gently across her skin. “I know.”

Their eyes locked once more and he felt it. He was ready. 

But that moment shattered in an instant as his friends tackled him with hugs. Rey tossed him an apologetic look over her shoulder and motioned that she was going to the kitchen. 

As she disappeared into the kitchen, his friends squeezed him harder and although he relished in the affection, he was disappointed that he didn’t get to tell Rey how he felt. He was that close, just for the moment to get snatched away. 

“Stop pouting, Solo.” 

Ben turned to his right and met the teasing smile of his best friend. 

“I’m not pouting, Poeski.”

“Yeah right, Ky-Guy. We both know that you are  _ and _ you’re disappointed you didn’t get to continue a conversation with a certain brunette.” He said pointedly.

_ How did his best friend always know what was on his mind? _

Ben looked over his friend’s shoulder, but Poe’s hand softly pushed him back in place. “Ky-Guy. Ami’s talking to her.”

His eyebrows furrowed in concern. “But -”

Poe pressed a finger into his shoulder blade before he could continue. “It’s fine, Ky. I promise you.”

He tilted his head in confusion.  _ What was going on? _

“It’s okay, I know.” Poe continued. 

Tonight must be a night meant for revelations. He found out that his father, who he had been suspicious of, was part of planning this surprise party. He’d come to the realization that he wanted to tell Rey how he felt tonight. And now, it appeared that his best friend was giving him his blessing.

“You love her, it’s okay.” His friend continued.

Ben laughed out of relief and joy and pulled his friend into a tight embrace. “Thank you, Poe.”

* * *

Although he was having a great time with his friends, he couldn’t help but keep glancing over at the kitchen. He knew how Rey was when her heart was first broken. She was devastated and it took her some time to recover. 

_ What if talking to Amilyn reopened those wounds? _

“Cake is ready!” 

Ben perked up immediately at her voice, much to the amusement of Poe who was laughing his ass off. “Go get em, tiger.”

He rolled his eyes at his best friend, before turning to find her. 

The crowd was thick, as everyone was ravenous for cake. He searched and searched, until he caught a glimpse of her sunflower dress. He beelined towards her and immediately encircled his arms around hers. 

“Is everything alright? Did Amilyn...” 

Before he could let out more word vomit, she shushed him as she comfortingly tightened her grip around his arms. Immediately, he felt a smoothing balm come over his senses. 

Her eyes searched his, until the corner of his mouth quirked up in a small smile. “Everything is fine, love. Now enjoy the party!”

It was his turn to blush. Rey had started calling him love a few weeks ago, but only in private. This was the first time she had said it in public and he couldn’t help but feel a little giddy at the thought. 

It also made him confident enough to use his pet name for her. “Are you sure, sweetheart?”

He loosened his grip on her arms as she nodded furiously. “Yes - now go mingle! You see me everyday.” She said as she started to shoo him away.

He unfastened his arms, but not before giving her hands a gentle squeeze. 

“Okay, Rey.” 

She gestured over to where the guests had gathered, which was a table that had been converted to a beer pong station. If his eyes weren’t deceiving him, it looked like Maz and his father were on a team. 

“I’ll catch you later, okay?” She said mischievously with a knowing grin.

After all, they had all night and no matter what, he was going to tell her that he loved her. 

* * *

In a blink of the eye, the party was starting to settle down. He was so occupied with being in the moment, he didn’t even notice that hours had passed and it was nearly midnight. Truth be told, he didn’t want it to be over. 

Ben couldn’t remember the last time he felt this happy. Probably not since he was a child and the weight of expectations hadn’t settled in. He felt light and free the entire evening. He laughed and smiled so much that his cheeks hurt and his belly was sore. He’d almost forgotten that those muscles existed, if not for the ache that he was feeling. 

Though now that the night was winding down, it dawned on him that he still had to tell Rey and the anticipation was killing him. He couldn’t find a free moment to tell her all night because of how busy she was. She was playing hostess and though he bugged her a few times to relax and enjoy the night, she was insistent on tending to different guests and working with Maz’s kitchen staff. 

If it were anyone else he would have been bothered, but he could tell that she was alright. It was hard to explain, but he could usually sense her discomfort with that invisible string, but the string was singing with contentment all night. 

Now the time was nearly here. He was almost done saying goodbye to his friends and then he would tell her. 

_ Rey, just wait, I’m ready. _

* * *

Once the last of the guests filed out, he went back out to look for Rey but she was nowhere to be found. All he could see was Rose and Han clearing out the catering table.

“Hey lover boy, she’s in the kitchen cleaning up with Finn!” Rose said, before sticking out her tongue.

Han let out a boisterous laugh and he couldn’t help but laugh back. “Okay, goofballs. I’ll see you a bit.”

He gave them a quick wave before grabbing a bottle of champagne off the buffet table. He quickly rushed down the half flight of the stairs towards the kitchen, ready to surprise Rey, when he was suddenly hit with a bout of nervousness. 

_ What if she didn’t feel the same? _

_ What if he was imagining things? _

_ What if he was wrong about everything? _

Ben put the champagne bottle down on the floor for a second. He just needed to get back in the zone and regain the confidence that he had earlier. He slowly breathed in and out and counted backwards like Cassian instructed him to do when he felt overwhelmed.

_ Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two… _

He let out his last exhale and shook it out. Reaching down carefully, he picked up the bottle of champagne and grinned. He’d tell her once everyone left, so that they could have some private time. 

Ben could see it now. They’d sit at the table with the best city view. He’d pop open this very bottle of champagne and they’d drink it and maybe even share another piece of cake. He’d reach over and take her hand and say those three words and everything would make sense.

With another exhale, he slowly opened the kitchen door, intending to sneak up on both of his friends. 

“Rachel Niima, you really outdid yourself!” He heard Finn say loudly.

With that name uttered, his world was shaken. His body froze and he was processing everything in slow motion. He barely registered the fact that Finn and Rey were dancing across the kitchen, but he couldn’t bring himself to utter a word. He felt cold, like ice was closing in on him. His mind couldn’t catch up and he could feel the bile rising up in his throat.

_ Why would Finn say Rachel? _

_ Did he know Rachel… _

_ Did he… _

High pitched ringing filled his ears. He couldn’t tell if it was real or imaginary or some version of a fucked up coping mechanism. All he knew is that it felt more comforting to concentrate on that noise. 

All he wanted to do was rewind before he heard Finn utter that name. Because the ugly truth was staring him in the face and he could feel his heart shattering.

_ Rey. Rachel. _

It couldn’t be true, it couldn’t.

He felt so sick that he didn’t notice that he bumped into one of the tables. He wordlessly looked down at the floor. He’d broken not one, but two wine glasses. 

“Hey birthday boy, let me clean that up.” Finn said immediately.

He was trembling and he could feel himself retreating into himself.

Maybe he was imagining his own sabotage. There was no way Rey would ever lie to him. Many people would but not her. Even when their relationship was somewhat adversarial, Rey had always been one hundred percent honest with him. 

“What did you call her?” He practically whispered. 

It was a small glimmer, but he was still hopeful. 

“Rachel Niima. Old habits.” Finn said, not realizing how devastating his response was.

He looked up and met Rey’s eyes that were now filled with tears. Even after hearing Finn’s response he didn’t want to believe it.

So he did the one thing that would confirm it. He tugged on the string for confirmation and felt it -  _ despair, regret, and hurt _ .

With that confirmation, something in him snapped. He hurled the bottle of champagne across the room. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, all he knew was that he needed to leave.

He rushed out of the kitchen, desperately climbing down the flight of stairs, despite Rey’s cries for him to stop.

“Ben, wait!”

_ ‘I’m sorry sir, but your soulmate is dead.’ _

“Please, stop!”

_ ‘I’ve come to terms with it.’ _

He stopped, as he felt that familiar burn in his side. He was so emotionally distraught that it hadn’t occurred to him that what he did was physically straining. 

Ben leaned against the wall to catch his breath and that’s when he felt her hand reach for his. He wanted to recoil, but he couldn’t bring himself too. He slumped his head in defeat and all he could hear was his breathing and Rey sniffling through her tears.

Despite his anger, despite  _ everything _ , he wanted to comfort her, but he had no right. Not anymore. 

“How long?” He asked, knowing that he was glutton for punishment. 

The turbulence of his emotions took over and he slammed his hands against the wall. “I SAID, HOW LONG REY?” 

Rey flinched at the impact and she could have moved but she didn’t. She looked him in the eyes with determination despite the steady stream of tears rolling down her face. 

He felt the remorse sink into his skin. He was a monster and he had scared her. “Answer me, right now.” He asked, his voice now desperately soft. “Please.”

Because despite everything she had done, he wanted to make her feel some sense of comfort and safety.

And maybe, just maybe...it hadn’t been that long.

“I-I don’t know exactly.” She stuttered out. “Maybe four months, give or take.” 

He felt like he was drowning with no one left to save him. 

_ How could he have been so wrong? _

“You didn’t want me.” He said as he sniffled, lips trembling with hurt.

“And this...” He gestured up to the event space. “Was pity.”

“Or am I a consolation prize?”

He was spiraling to the point of no return and he wanted to howl in pain, but he was too broken to express himself that way.

Instead, he laughed bitterly as he ran his fingers through his hair. “Am I so unbearable?”

He could hear his inner saboteur beaming with delight. 

_ Of course you are. You’re Ben Organa-Solo. Failure. Disappointment. Abandoned by his mate. Unloveable. Gullible. _

_ Foolish.  _

He was half laughing and half sobbing, even as Rey wrapped her arms around him. 

“I was a coward.” She choked out, remorse evident in her voice.

But he had no care for her remorse in the moment. He unfastened her arms and the invisible string swelled in disappointment, but he didn’t care.

Like the articles he read about, some mates clung to each other because of medical purposes. This is clearly what their arrangement was. After Poe, Rey was so distraught from calling symptoms that she obviously forced herself to be around him. He aided in her recovery and now it was only a matter of time before she discarded him.

_ Better to do it now, before the pain was unbearable.  _

All he had to do was cut that invisible string that linked him with Rey. It was just biology. Nothing about this was real.

So he said the words that he knew would cut deep. “You’re a monster...” He said, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. 

“And I never want to see you again.”

He turned away and ran out the door, leaving Rey sobbing by the exit. 

As he started to sprint back home, he finally let his emotions run free. Silent tears streamed down his face as it dawned on him how he felt: he was better off thinking that his soulmate was dead. 


End file.
